I’ve always been in a relationship – but for the last 4 years I’ve been single. Does this mean I’ll end up alone?

Dear Grace,

All of my life I have always been in a relationship. Whether it be with a boyfriend or a husband. But it seems like ever since I turned 50, it’s just not happening for me. I’m 54 now and I have never been single for more than a month when I was younger. It’s been 4 years and I’m scared I’ll be alone the rest of my life. How can I change this run of bad luck?

– Alone in Arizona

Dear Alone,

While everyone experiences “romance droughts” throughout their lives, it certainly seems more women over 50 find themselves being single and independent, and for good reason. The older I get, the more comfortable I am with myself, and I see the same thing with my friends. We’ve created full lives on our own—and frankly, we have a longer list of behaviors that we’re just not willing to put up with than we did in our 20s. (And a much keener Spidey Sense when it comes to detecting it.) 

So, while I wouldn’t look at it as “bad luck,” I do understand that you miss having someone in your life. I want to suggest a few things I believe are worth considering about your situation.

Give yourself some credit. 

You’ve done something new and hard. Going it alone for a while after spending decades as part of a pair is a big adjustment and you should feel proud of your ability to make this change work for you. I hear that you’re missing a partner, but I’m more curious about what you’ve gained these last few years. Have you noticed anything different about the way you approach daily life, your friendships, or how you value time alone? Do you find you’ve had more time to focus on what makes you happy, or that you’ve been able to do more of what you’ve always wanted because you’re the only one making decisions? 

Being alone can be scary, but I’m guessing you didn’t spend these four years sitting idly by. Taking stock of where we are now and all the positives in our lives can help us appreciate and embrace the people and life we’ve grown into. 

Follow a passion, not a person.

Life is too short to spend chasing down a boyfriend or girlfriend. Instead, chase down the life you want. Invest in friendships, hobbies, and trips that you’ve always said you would take “someday.” At our age, Alone, someday is here, so don’t wait to have the perfect partner to have the life you’ve always wanted. Plus, when you do more of what interests you, you’re more likely to meet people who also share your interests, whether they’re just friends or have the potential for more.

Remember that you are already complete. 

As women, we are socialized to see our worth as it relates to a man, no matter what we accomplish on our own. This isn’t easy conditioning to undo, I know. But I’m here to tell you – even as a self-proclaimed romantic—that you are the most important person in your life, not a potential partner. You are enough on your own and your life and worth are much bigger than who you date or marry. Think of your life as an entrée, and your partner is a dinner roll on the side. I always enjoy having one if it’s there, but filling up only on bread leaves me no room for the main course. 

With love and optimism, 

Grace