I’ve Been Divorced 4 Years And Still Resent My Ex-Husband. How Do I Move On?
Dear Grace,
After almost 4 years of being a divorced solo parent, I still have days of extreme depression over the fact that my ex-husband is basically out of the picture. He doesn’t pay child support and barely ever sees any of our four kids (three out of four don’t want to speak to him anymore). To him, he is living the life. He picks up our 14 year old a few times a year to smoke cigars, go boating and skateboarding. He’ll pay for him to get private workout sessions, cryotherapy, and fancy sports drinks, but has never once paid for necessities like school supplies, clothes, or even food.
I have a fantastic job, I can pay all my bills and keep the family going. But I am not the “fun” parent. I haven’t gone on a single date in 4 years. I am alone, and working hard with zero support. I am not necessarily unhappy, but it feels so unfair that he gets to be so happy and carefree while stringing our family out to dry. I’m in therapy and a recovery program, and generally doing well except for the four weekends a year that my son goes to spend with that guy. I just can’t believe how angry I still am and how angry I get with my son for NOT seeing the kind of person his dad really is. How do I move past this? I need to put it behind me for my own good and my kids.
– Still Mad in San Antonio
Dear Still Mad,
I can tell you’re juggling a LOT. Between solo parenting, watching your oldest become a young adult, working full time, and investing in your own recovery, I find myself wondering when you have time to sleep!
I don’t need to tell you, parenting is hard, and doing it without a solid teammate or partner is even harder. I’m sorry to hear that your ex-husband isn’t showing up for you and your children the way he should be. It makes total sense to me that you still harbor some anger and resentment towards him, because the harm he has done in your life (and your children’s lives) is ongoing.
This is a challenging situation, but I have some tips to help you sort through your feelings and bring more joy into your life. Let’s dive in.
Focus on what you can control. By this point, you are painfully aware that you can’t change your ex-husband’s behavior or choices. Instead of dwelling on how you wish he was different, focus on the aspects of your life that you have control over, like building a support system and taking care of yourself. You’re already off to a great start by working with a therapist and continuing with your recovery, but it sounds like you could use some kindred spirits who get what you’re going through. Do some digging to find single parent groups online or in your community – you may find tips for managing single parenthood or at the very least, a group to commiserate with while your son is away with his dad.
Fuel your fun side. Just because you shoulder the bulk of the responsibility for your family doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be the “fun one” every now and then. Having fun with your kids doesn’t have to be an expensive or all-day affair, instead, consider finding ways to add a little fun and spontaneity to your routines. Take a moment to quiet the voice in your head constantly reading off to-do’s and see where the quality time takes you.
Talk to your kids. Encourage your kids (especially your oldest) to express their feelings about your family dynamic. Listen and try to keep your reactions minimal so that they don’t feel judged, especially when it comes to your oldest son’s relationship to his dad. It’s normal that he still feels attached to his dad – what kid doesn’t want the love and validation of a parent? If you find that it’s difficult or painful to be an objective listener, consider setting your kids up with a therapist so they can get the same kind of support that you have. Families are complicated by nature, and having a professional to help you all navigate the ups and downs can take the pressure off of you to suddenly “move on” for your childrens’ sake.
Imagine your future. I hear your loneliness, Still Mad, and want to remind you that your happiness matters. It sounds like, between working and parenting full time, you have put your own needs on the backburner, and as a fellow mom, I get it. But ignoring your own happiness and joy isn’t sustainable – it will only make that angry voice in your head louder. Take some time to think and ask yourself what you envision for your future. What would happiness look like? What do you wish you had more of in your life? If dating feels like a priority, then make it one – hire a sitter or have your oldest babysit so you can take a well-deserved night off to meet someone. If that feels like a giant leap, start by going out with the girls or joining a club that taps into your interests. Open the door to meeting new people (and maybe even a newer version of you!).
I can tell from your question that you are not the kind of person to stay down – that perseverance will get you through this just like it’s gotten you through every other tough moment life has thrown at you. Stay focused on what you and your family have going for you and the future you want for yourself. It’ll be here before you know it.
<3 Grace