My Boyfriend Lets His 12-Year-Old Co-sleep with Us. Am I Wrong for Being Weirded Out?

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Dear Grace,

I have been seeing this guy for almost a year. He has a 12-year-old son that he is very involved with which I love except that his boy is so clingy that he even has to sleep in between me and his father when I’m there to visit. Is this something that I should accept?

– Too Close for Comfort


Dear Too Close,

Congratulations on nearly one year with your guy! Being a great dad is a very attractive (and important) quality in a partner, and it’s easy to see why you’re so drawn to him. 

Dating someone with a child can be a wonderful experience, but it can also throw you into dilemmas (like this one) that you might not feel prepared for. Here are some suggestions to help you deal with it, without it becoming a deal-breaker.

Ask: “Is this a me-thing?” 

It’s perfectly understandable if you’re not comfortable with this sleeping arrangement. I want to state that right up front. But remember that what is a problem for you, might not be a problem for your partner. Co-sleeping, even with kids as old as 12, while not all that common in the United States, is common in plenty of cultures around the world. If your partner and son are comfortable with their arrangement, then the question to address is whether you feel comfortable with it and if not, what boundaries you can set for yourself. 

Let curiosity guide you. 

Ask questions, rather than focusing on assumptions or judgment. You mentioned that the little boy is “clingy,” which sounds like he might be dealing with some level of anxiety.  Are there factors in his life—including perhaps his parents’ separation, or issues at school—that are contributing to his being ill at ease? Talk with your partner to the extent he’s comfortable. Asking questions and being open to the answers will help you better understand (and even support) your partner’s parenting choices. This will also help you both create a plan to move forward that addresses everyone’s needs. 

Leave it to the parent. 

After you two talk, you may still decide that sleeping over when his son is home isn’t in the cards for you right now. That’s 100% okay. Let your partner know with love, not judgment. You might say, “I know you have to be there for your son and I love that. I’m just not comfortable with co-sleeping as your girlfriend.” This way, you can share how you feel, without making your boyfriend feel like he’s being judged. Today’s parents face criticism from nearly every direction and social media channel. The reality is that as long as parents and kids are happy and healthy, they’re probably just fine. 

Dating someone with kids means that you get a package deal—lucky you! Working through this issue now, with respect, honesty, and openness, will set you both up for success with challenges you face in the future. Wishing you all a good night’s sleep!

With love and support,
Grace