My coworker is always rude to me, but is addressing it worth the drama?

Dear Grace,

I have a very passive-aggressive coworker who makes rude comments all the time, avoids eye contact with me, and avoids talking to me when she is having a bad. It feels like she is taking her feelings out on me specifically, she is nice to most people around the office but not me. On her good days, she is really nice but on her bad days (which are most of the time) she is super passive-aggressive. How do I respond to her when she’s rude?

– Annoyed in NYC

Dear Annoyed,

I’m glad you wrote in, Annoyed, before you bottled up enough annoyance to become Downright Mad. I think we can all relate to your story, who hasn’t had a challenging coworker at some point? It’s true that you don’t have to be best buds with everyone at work, but you should be able to get along well enough to do your job and avoid any real unpleasantness. Here is my advice for how to move things in a positive direction.

Take a moment to empathize.

You mentioned that your coworker has clear “good” and “bad” days which tells me that she definitely has something going on in her life that you can’t see (don’t we all!). Instead of taking her moods and comments personally, take a deep breath and offer her the same grace that you would want in her shoes. You don’t have to like her to feel some empathy for whatever she might be struggling with.

Try to hit ‘reset.’

Even though we wouldn’t all choose it, we spend an incredible amount of time with our coworkers, so our ability to get along really matters! Since you’re not sure what this coworker’s issue with you might be, consider getting some help from someone that she does get along with—join them for lunch or coffee and show her that you mean well. You may find that a “reset” helps to get things back on track.

Find your “line” and stand by it.

It’s one thing to put up with some rude comments from time to time and another to deal with someone making you feel unwelcome or uncomfortable at work. Take a few minutes to think about where you draw the line between petty and unacceptable and how you would respond if she crosses that line. This would probably look like a frank, respectful conversation with her and maybe someone from HR if you want some extra support. 

Be warned, Annoyed, being direct can be uncomfortable and scary, especially when so many of us were encouraged to “make nice” and keep the peace growing up. So hear me when I say this: No, you’re not being dramatic. Yes, your comfort at work is worth a little confrontation. But don’t just take it from me, your fellow readers also say that speaking up matters, especially when it’s hard.

Workplace dynamics can be tough, Annoyed. Beyond just trying to get along and get your work done, being “professional” as you try to work out issues can feel like a minefield. Every workplace is different, but often I think that as women, we put up with bad behavior because speaking up can mean being seen as emotional or dramatic and therefore, unprofessional. It’s up to you to keep reminding yourself that you can be professional—respectful, honest, and clear—while still setting strong expectations for how others treat you. 

Wishing you all the best, 

Grace