My family is doubting my relationship and won’t keep it to themselves. How do I put my foot down before my wedding?

Dear Grace,

I have been with my soul mate for 4 years now. He is very traditional, so we took it slow…real dates, flowers, the whole thing. We met working in a restaurant, and he has said for years he wanted to marry me, but he wanted to save up for a real engagement ring. I was so impatient, but it was totally worth the wait! He finally asked me this year with the most beautiful ring.

The problem is that my family and a few friends keep saying he just wants to marry me for the green card (he came to the U.S. when he was 19 to work and send money home). It ticks me off when people say that because it’s not true. He works so hard, and I’m so glad that getting married will make his immigration status more stable, but I know that’s not why he wants to build a life with me.

On top of the stress of planning a wedding and making sure he’s safe from ICE till we get his papers together, now I have to deal with people talking crap? How do I shut them up when they say that stuff?

– Fed Up in Fredericksburg

Dear Fed Up in Fredericksburg,

First of all, congratulations on your engagement! After four years of building something real together, you deserve to feel happy and proud—not defensive. You want your loved ones to get to know him as the amazing person that you fell in love with, not as some stereotype that has nothing to do with either of you. It’s painful when people around you treat the person you love with suspicion instead of warmth and curiosity. On top of wedding stress and worries about his safety, those comments can feel like one more unfair weight on your shoulders.

Here are a few ways to handle it:

Plan your response (or lack thereof).

Hopefully, the people making snide comments about your relationship or your fiancé are few and far between, but here are some ways to prepare for any that come your way:

• Decide what you will and won’t engage with. You don’t owe everyone an explanation. A simple response like, “That’s not true, and I’m not going to argue about my relationship,” is enough. If someone keeps pushing, it’s okay to repeat yourself or change the subject. Protecting your peace matters more than convincing them.
• Stick up for your relationship, your fiancé, and yourself.  If you do choose to respond, focus on what you know. You might say, “We’ve been together for four years. We worked side by side. He showed up for me long before marriage was on the table.” Calm, grounded statements often say more than long explanations—and they make it clear you’re confident in your choice.
• Set boundaries with people who won’t stop. If certain family members or coworkers keep making comments, it’s okay to say, “Those jokes or remarks hurt me. I need you to stop.” Boundaries aren’t about being rude—they’re about being clear. Anyone who truly cares about you should respect that. You don’t need to spend time arguing with people who are determined to undermine your choices or marriage. Instead, let your happy marriage speak for itself, and they will end up eating their words.

Lean into support from the people who love you.

Even though you’ve been together for several years, marriage is a whole new step in your relationship, and having people around who support you both and want to see you thrive can make all the difference. Marriage (especially when it’s intercultural) takes a lot of curiosity and understanding, not just from the two of you, but from your families and loved ones as they accept a new person and traditions into the fold. Talk to people you’re close to and share what’s been bothering you so they can offer extra support and even intervene if they hear any negative comments.

You’re not alone in worrying about ICE, there are millions of families across the country who (no matter their visa or immigration status) worry that their loved ones may be targeted or profiled. While I hope you’ll never need it, having a plan can bring peace of mind. Know what to do and who to call if something unexpected happens. Learn your basic rights, like if ICE comes to your home, they can’t come in unless they have a warrant signed by a judge. Being prepared is not being pessimistic—it’s being smart.

• Pro Tip: Talk to a lawyer. Immigration law is very complicated, and it keeps changing. A trusted lawyer or nonprofit legal clinic can help you understand the safest next steps and explain what your options are. Many couples go through this process safely, but it’s important to get advice that fits your situation. Having someone knowledgeable on your side can make this feel much less overwhelming.

Please remember this: you are not alone in this experience. Mixed-status couples all over the country face these same hurtful assumptions, and it can be incredibly isolating. Try to spend more time with people who know your heart and support your relationship. Lean into friends, family members, or community spaces where you feel understood. Love like yours is real—and you deserve to celebrate it surrounded by people who see that. Congratulations on finding your soulmate and starting this exciting new chapter of life!

With love,

Grace