My fiancé wants a big wedding, but I want something private. How do I tell him?

Dear Grace,

My fiancé wants a big wedding, but I don’t (even though it will be my first). I don’t want all the attention and the big bills that a huge party comes with. I want it to be small, private, and affordable. How can I tell him I just want to go to the justice of the peace?

– Shy in Shelby County

Dear Shy,

First of all—congratulations on your engagement! What a special time. You’ve found someone you love, and now you’re dreaming about what comes next. That’s a big deal. And here’s something I want you to hear loud and clear: Your wedding day should feel good to you. Not just to your fiancé, not just to your families—to you.

You don’t have to want the big dress, the fancy flowers, or the 200-person guest list. If your heart is saying simple, quiet, and private, that is not wrong, selfish, or silly. That’s your truth. Now the next step is learning how to stand in it:

Get clear on what you want—without guilt.

Weddings stir up a lot of noise. Everyone has opinions. Everyone thinks they know best. But before you talk with your fiancé, take a breath and spend some time with just yourself. Go for a walk, take a long bath, or sit with a notebook. Ask yourself: What do I truly want this day to feel like? Who do I want around me? What would make me feel calm, happy, and safe?

And when those answers come to you, don’t push them away. Don’t try to make yourself smaller to keep the peace. Your desires are just as important as anyone else’s.

Start your marriage off on an honest foot.

You love him, and he loves you. That’s your foundation. So don’t be afraid to speak plainly. Let him know you’ve been thinking about the kind of wedding that feels right to you. Be honest: “I know a big wedding might sound fun to you, but I get overwhelmed by big crowds, and I want something small and meaningful instead.”

Your wedding isn’t just something the two of you experience and move past—it’s a way to mark the start of your marriage and one of the biggest commitments you will each ever make. Your job as a wife isn’t to go along with what your husband wants or sacrifice your joy to make him happy—it’s to be an honest, loving, and constant partner. Start your marriage off by being authentic to who you are and what you want, and remember that it’s okay to disagree at first. The goal isn’t to avoid conflict at all costs—it’s to build something that works for both of you.

Stand strong in your boundaries, even if others are disappointed.

You were taught—like so many women—that being “easygoing” is the same thing as being loving. It’s not. You can be kind and still say no. You can be warm and still say this matters to me. It’s okay if people are surprised by your decision. It’s okay if your fiancé needs time to adjust. You’re not doing anything wrong by wanting a smaller wedding. You’re being honest. That’s the kind of strength that will carry you through not just a wedding, but a marriage.

Shy, weddings aren’t just about table settings or playlists—they’re about two people making a promise. You deserve a wedding that feels like you. You don’t have to go along with what’s expected just to keep the peace. Peace that comes from hiding your truth never lasts. But peace that’s built on honesty, love, and mutual respect? That’s the real deal. And you’re already on your way.

Love,

Grace