My full-time job isn’t enough without child support. How do I get my ex to pay up?

Dear Grace,

I’m a single mom of three kids, and their father stopped paying child support this past January. I work full-time, but still cannot afford to live in NJ on my own with three kids. I feel like I’m drowning with no help in sight! Is there anything I can do to hold him accountable for paying child support?

– Single Mom of Three, New Jersey

Dear Single Mom,

I can hear how stressful this situation is for you. Being a single mom is already hard, and it’s even harder when your co-parent isn’t willing to show up in the way you and your kids need. I know you might feel like a one-woman show right now, but I can promise you that you are not alone. Plenty of women (and many of your fellow readers) have stood in your shoes, trying to figure out how to be the caregiver and provider that their children need. 

Motherhood is often a thankless job, so let me take a moment to say, you’re doing great and though your kids may not know how to tell you, they love and appreciate you. I hope you can take a moment to feel proud of how you are holding it all together for them.

Here is some advice to help you stay afloat and move forward:

Talk to a lawyer.

Your kids’ dad is responsible for them as much as you are, and should be paying his fair share to make sure they have what they need. I can’t give you legal advice, but there are people in your state who can. Child support is an important part of making sure that kids have safe, healthy environments to grow up in, and the legal system is here to support it. If your ex also lives in New Jersey, you can contact Legal Services of New Jersey for free legal support. If he’s out of state (and for other readers around the country), reach out to the Office of Child Support Services. 

Get other $ support.

Legal help is important to solving the child support problem, but you need support now to ease the pressure and give your bank account some breathing room. Budgets are tight for lots of families right now, and while SNAP benefits have shrunk, you still may be eligible for support. As I’m sure you teach your children, asking for help is a show of courage and nothing to be ashamed about. We all pay taxes to support social safety net programs like food stamps, so that when hard times hit, we can find enough stability to get back on our feet. You deserve a fair shot at raising your kids with dignity and peace of mind. Check out more advice for navigating a financial emergency, giving your budget a tune-up, or growing your “just-in-case” savings.

Make space for joy.

I know how all-consuming money trouble can be, Single Mom. Between your full-time work and wearing two parents’ hats for your children, I understand why you feel exhausted. While we can both see that your ex not paying his child support is a real problem, we can also agree that you and your kids deserve to enjoy your time together, relax, and have fun regardless of his shortcomings. Take a few moments where you can–while you brush your teeth, before you go to sleep, or even during your drive to work—to think about what you (and the kids) need right now. You might want to focus on managing your stress, plan a fun (and free!) day with your kids, or set up some well-deserved alone time. Whatever it looks like, don’t let financial stress get in the way of the care you give yourself or the joy that you experience together. 

You know as well as anyone that single moms are doing it all—school drop-offs, grocery shopping, managing bills, changing the oil in the car—your to-do list seems to never end. The least your children’s father should be doing is contributing his fair share to help keep his kids fed, happy, and healthy. Dads have an important role to play in loving, teaching, and supporting their kids, whether they live under the same roof or not.

But no matter what your journey is with him (through the legal system, financially, or with custody), I want you to know, Single Mom, that your resilience, your resourcefulness, and your hard work do not go unnoticed. Raising three kids during expensive and uncertain times with no help is nearly impossible, but you’ve been doing the impossible every day. I hope you get the child support he owes you, your fair share of the resources your tax dollars go to, and a little more peace of mind in the future. In the meantime, we’re all rooting for you and tipping our hats to the amazing mom you are!

With love, 

Grace