My grandmother went to all my cousins’ weddings but RSVP-ed no to mine. Should I say something?

Dear Grace,

I was wondering if I should just let this go to avoid drama or speak up. My grandmother has literally gone to everybody’s wedding except for mine. I am her first granddaughter and her second grandchild. She is 88 and just attended my cousin’s wedding in May of this year, but RSVP-ed no to mine. So far I have avoided saying anything since I don’t want to start anything within the family. What’s your advice?

– Forgotten in Frederick

Dear Forgotten,

While I appreciate your maturity in wanting to keep the peace, choosing to communicate how you feel or bringing up a sensitive topic isn’t always a matter of “starting something.” You can share how you’re feeling without it turning into a fight––and I would actually argue that you should. Being open about how our actions impact each other is a part of a healthy relationship and gives us a chance to show up for each other when we need it.

Here are a few suggestions for how you can address your feelings with your grandma without any unnecessary drama.

Call Grandma. I know you’re feeling hurt, but it also sounds like you’re letting that “No,” tell the story, when there may be more to it. Start by calmly telling her how you feel: “I was really disappointed when I saw that you wouldn’t be able to make it to my wedding.” Then, ask if she’s willing to tell you why she can’t make it. “I would love for you to be there, may I ask what’s keeping you from joining us?” She may really want to be at your wedding, but could be under some financial strain or even dealing with health issues. I hear from people all the time—especially grandparents—who are hesitant to share their struggles with family because they don’t want to be a burden. That may be what’s happening here, and the good news is there may also be an easy solution like sharing airline miles, finding her a ride, or getting her a room to rest in if she feels tired during the festivities. 

Consider the alternatives. I can tell by your question that your grandmother is an important figure in your life, and you value your place in hers. If it turns out she truly can’t make it, try to find another way to celebrate your special day with her. Get creative with it! You could bring her one of the centerpieces from your reception or have one of your wedding photos framed as a keepsake.  If she’s tech savvy enough, she might even be able to join you virtually for the ceremony or part of the reception via Zoom! Whatever you choose, remember that what matters is that the two of you feel connected. 

Decide how you want to move forward. Hopefully, there’s a simple explanation for her RSVP, and by talking it out you’re able to address it. Whether Grandma is able to listen and share, or gets defensive, it’s important that you take a breath and remind yourself that the only person you can control is you. Make a plan for how you want to navigate the conversation and your relationship, regardless of how she responds. Consider making a deal with yourself that you’re going to tell her how you feel, and no matter how she responds, you’re going to let it go and move on to enjoying your wedding. That way, you’re able to process her response without letting it put a damper on your big day. 

You’re not the only bride to worry about family dynamics around a wedding—this kind of stuff happens! I hope this is the push you need to speak up instead of burying your feelings and wondering “what if?” No matter what, I’m sending you all my love and best wishes for a beautiful day and lifetime of happiness ahead! 

With love and joy,

Grace