My Husband Has Never Gotten Over His Ex – and Now I Found Her Number in His Phone. Should I Ignore It?

Dear Grace,

My husband of 21 years just informed me that I have been his second choice to a woman he dated 24 years earlier. I always felt throughout my entire relationship that he wasn’t giving me his whole heart. He is limited in showing affection and after over 20 years of trying to make him happy I am completely exhausted. With this new piece of information I actually feel better knowing that I’m not crazy and that there is a reason for his distanced behavior. He says he has not contacted her but I did find her number in his phone contacts. When I confronted him, he said he couldn’t work up the nerve to reach out to her and that he still dreams of her at night.

So now I am left with the question of where I should go from here. We have 2 girls and I have always felt bad that their example of a marriage is one where I am constantly trying to win him over and also keep the peace. He seems to always have an underlying anger of how his life turned out. To outsiders looking in, we are living the dream. He is very successful and we do quite well financially. Should I just accept second place in his heart for the sake of our family? Any words of wisdom is much appreciated. I am still trying to digest the whole scenario.

– Feeling Second Fiddle in Florida

Dear Second Fiddle,

I want to begin by telling you how strong I think you are. You’ve spent two decades working at your marriage and raising two (I’m sure) remarkable young women. I’m so sorry for this recent discovery and the pain it is causing you, but I’m also impressed by your presence of mind in wanting to move on in a healthy way, however that may be. 

Let me start by answering your question: No—the answer to this heart wrenching situation is not for you to put up and shut up. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to be heard. Only you can decide what kind of change you need, but I hope my advice will help you figure out what that might be.

Trust your gut. As you said, you’ve always felt like there was something else going on, or that some part of your husband was holding back, and it turns out you were right. While I’m not glad that you were right, it is helpful to remember that you can and should trust your intuition. I can’t tell you what the right thing to do is, but I do know that you deserve a fulfilling life and a partner that makes you feel seen and supported. All of your feelings are valid, and if your gut is telling you that this situation isn’t fair to you, I would suggest that you really listen to that feeling before trying to shove past it. 

Figure out what changes to make. This doesn’t have to be an overnight process. You’ve been in the same relationship for over 20 years and have raised a family together, and it may be hard to imagine life any other way. Take the time you need to explore your options and what you really want. My advice, Second Fiddle, is to start with a couples’ counselor. This is a complicated situation and talking with a professional can help you both unwind the many threads in and decide how to move forward in the most healthy and productive way possible, for you all. 

Talk with your daughters. I can tell from your note that you’re a wonderful mother: It’s impressive that even through the distress of everything you’re feeling, you’re thinking about your daughters and the lessons they may be taking away from all of this. As a mom, I know how important it is to us that we set our kids up for healthy, happy lives, and that means not just showing them how we act when everything goes right,  but showing them how we meet life’s curveballs and setbacks.  

Once you’ve had time to process your feelings on your own (and ideally with a therapist or counselor in addition to couples’ counseling), I encourage you to share with your daughters some of what you’ve learned and even what you might have done differently. Share your experience and what changes you’re going to make going forward—but be careful to avoid ragging too much on their dad. Instead, focus on what you wish you had understood or what you’ve learned about yourself through this whole debacle. Allowing your daughters to learn from your experience—no matter what decisions you make about your marriage—is one way you can set a different example of what kind of treatment is “acceptable” in a relationship.

In your story, I hear a dedicated wife and mother who has put everyone else ahead of herself. It’s something many of us do, but I want you to know that you’re the main character in your life. Take the time to gather your own support, focus on your own healing, and figure out the right course for you. 

Sending all my love,

Grace