My husband is cutting me off… What do I do?
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Dear Grace,
My husband and I have been together for 20 years, he was my best friend for 5 years before we even kissed. Recently, we both became sober after years of drug abuse. I have always worked a full-time job and paid all of our bills, he’s been working now for the last 2 years steadily at the same job (mind you it’s the first job he’s had in the whole 20 years living together). I have recently been in a car accident and was severely injured. Since the accident, I’m on disability, which means that I bring in much less money. Ever since I stopped working he is being so controlling with the money and I’m not allowed to spend anything. He pays the bills (late, but still), but I still contribute whatever I can. How do I start with having a conversation with him about how this makes me feel? Without starting world war III!
– Concerned in Catawba
Dear Concerned,
First of all, congratulations on your sobriety! That is quite an accomplishment! And while I’m sorry that such a positive achievement has also come so close to such a terrible accident, I’m SO impressed that you have been able to maintain your recovery in the face of it. That takes a lot of strength. I hope you know that.
Money concerns are one of the biggest issues couples face. So let me say right here that if you’re feeling overwhelmed and anxious about it all, you are not alone. Let’s dive in.
Set up your own bank account. Even if you’re not bringing in as much money as you used to, it’s important that you stay in charge of your own finances. It will help give you back a sense of control (meaning fewer arguments about what you spend) and help you find more balance and peace in your relationship. Having your own account is a reminder that you’re not entirely dependent on someone else and can help rebuild your confidence after your accident. Plus, it’s not healthy or right for someone else to hold the purse strings on your money.
Make a budget. As the breadwinner for so long, you know exactly what the two of you spend each month. Take that knowledge and make a budget. If your husband sees it all written out on paper (or through a free app like RocketMoney) it can start a reasonable and respectful conversation about what you have and where you can spend it. Once a month, check in with him on how the budget is working for you both so you can make any adjustments and stay on the same page. Adding some structure and routine to the way you manage money will take the stress off of both of you, so you can get your weekly Starbucks in peace.
Take stock of your relationship. My greatest hope is that his behavior is isolated to your recent challenging circumstances, but I’m also a little concerned. Has he been controlling in the past? Maybe not with money, since you were the breadwinner, but it could have come up in other ways. Asking you to spend less time with certain friends/family, wanting to know where you are at all times, expressing preferences for the way you dress—lots of these things can seem harmless on their own, but together, they show a pattern of controlling behavior that you should be aware of.
Reflect on what you’re nervous about. It sounds like you’re worried about how he will respond if or when you bring this up, so ask yourself, what is it that you’re afraid of happening? If you think he’ll get angry, what does that anger look like? If you think it could put your safety at risk, consider talking to a friend about a safety plan. You know best whether and how to approach this topic with him. If you need more support, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline for safe, 24/7 help.
It’s really encouraging that you and your husband were able to get sober together. It gives me hope that you can work through this together, too. But that’s also up to him. I can tell by your letter that you have a love that goes back a long time; there’s a lot of history here. Hopefully he will honor that and listen to your needs. But if he can’t, please don’t ever doubt that you are worthy of being heard and supported.
With support and admiration,
Grace