My husband said I need to lose weight. How should I respond?

Dear Grace,

My husband had too much to drink one night and made a comment about my weight, saying I needed to lose 50 pounds. I can’t get past it. What should I do?

– Upset in Ohio

Dear Upset,

First of all, let me take a moment to commiserate with you a little. We all know how it feels to have our insecurities laid bare by a single comment, especially from someone we care about. I know that, for me, that hurt runs deep and amplifies that critical voice in my head that likes to whisper all the ways I’m not “enough.”  It can be hard to press mute on that voice once it’s been activated, and I want you to know that you’re not alone in your struggle to silence it.

It’s time to set a new boundary in your relationship so that you can move forward with confidence and peace of mind. Here are a few steps you can take that will help you both to get on that path.

Have a conversation with yourself. Before you can talk to your husband about how his comment made you feel, it’s important to get clear on how you’re feeling and why. What are the specific emotions that you “can’t get past?” Is it hurt? Anger? Shame? Embarrassment? Are you feeling betrayed by someone that you count on not to harm you? Women of all shapes and sizes grow up hearing critical messages about our bodies that can be hard to forget. Negative comments such as his tap into some of our most profound insecurities and earliest wounds. It’s important to name how you feel about his comment—and how you’re feeling about your own body. 

Remember that your body is a tool for your use, not a project for perfecting for anyone else. And show that body some kindness, whether in a journal entry, an affirmation in front of the mirror, or in a meditation. Remind yourself that your body is something strong to be loved—not a weakness to be criticized. 

Talk to your husband. For you to both move past this as a couple, you will need to share how his comment made you feel and ask him to show you respect in the future. If it’s hard for you to talk about your emotions, consider writing it down first and reading it aloud, or even sharing it with him in a letter or email. The important thing is that you feel heard, that you were able to express how you feel honestly and accurately. And remember that no matter how he responds, your feelings are yours and valid, and no one gets to tell you those feelings are wrong. Know that when you talk to him, you’re not alone—you have me, and thousands and thousands of other women who have felt exactly what you’re feeling, standing beside you. 

Pick a time to talk to him when he is most likely to give you his full attention—that means no drinking and minimal distractions. You can also take some time to walk yourself through his possible responses. We’d love for him to hear your pain and immediately apologize, but I know from experience that things don’t always go this way. No matter how he reacts to your truth, remember that it is just that: truth. No amount of “I never said that” or “you’re too sensitive” changes the validity of your feelings. 

Reflect on the role of alcohol. When I read your question, I couldn’t help but wonder about your husband’s relationship with drinking. Were his comments an isolated event—or is this kind of behavior common when he’s had a few? If you see a pattern, then drinking might be an issue worth addressing. Check out Al Anon’s website. They have great resources for spouses and loved ones of alcoholics. It’s a great place to start learning about addiction and recovery. There you can find some clarity as to whether or not this is an issue that needs to be dealt with—and if so—guidance on how to do it. Plus, local and online meetings can provide you with much-needed support as you navigate the road ahead. 

I really applaud your strength, Upset. It takes both maturity and courage to want to work past it, and not just bury our own hurt. This is a lot of heavy stuff to work through as individuals and a couple. So, please, be kind to yourself throughout the process. You will get past this. 

With love and support,

Grace