My husband won’t let this go. How do we move forward?

Dear Grace,

My husband thinks I did something 3 years ago and that I’ve been lying to cover it up ever since. It has really taken a toll on our entire relationship and our family. I have no way of proving that what he thinks happened, never did. He says that he knows it’s true and refuses to hear anything I have to say unless it’s a confession. How do we move on from this if I can’t find a way to prove my innocence?

– Loyal in Louisiana

Dear Loyal,

I am so sorry for the pain this must be causing you. I can tell how much you love your husband and want to work past this. But I also know it’s those we love most who can cause us the most heartache. It must be a tough place for you and your family to be in right now. 

Here are a few things I would suggest to help you heal and move forward together.

Recognize what you can control. Before we get into the rest of my advice, I want you to remember one simple truth: you are only responsible for YOU. It’s heartbreaking, not to mention frustrating, to see someone we love insist on something that isn’t true and refuse to trust our word. Yet at the end of the day, your husband’s actions and decisions are his responsibility. All you can do is be honest and open. Remembering that you can’t control or change his actions – or reactions – will help you avoid taking on more pain and frustration than you’re already feeling. 

Listen between the lines. I can’t help but wonder what this is really about for him. If after all this time, he’s still insisting you did something that you didn’t do, it feels like there’s an underlying issue that he can’t or won’t address. We can all lash out when our personal insecurities are triggered. For example, someone who worries that they aren’t “good enough” for their partner might feel irrationally jealous and see romantic rivals where there are none. These explanations don’t excuse the behavior, but can help us understand where the problem lies and empathize with the other person. 

It’s been three years and I’m sure you have tried to discuss this from every possible angle. But if you can get him to open up about what he’s really feeling and what is driving his distrust, it might move the conversation to something productive that you can work on together. 

Set boundaries. You and your family cannot exist in this place forever. At some point, you have to put this issue to bed. Have a conversation with your husband to let him know that you feel sad for the hurt he feels, but that you both need to move on for the sake of yourselves, your relationship, and your family. Remind him that it’s not only the two of you who are impacted by this. 

If you think he might not be receptive to talking it out, try writing a letter instead. That way you can get out everything you have to say clearly and without interruption – and he can process it in his own time, too. Explain that you don’t want to keep discussing the issue and that if he needs to keep talking about it, you will help him to find a therapist to work through his feelings. It sounds like he has a lot of unresolved pain to process, but it’s not your job to help him do that – especially if he’s lashing out at you, rather than letting you in. 

These aren’t easy conflicts to navigate, Loyal. And while we want to be there for our loved ones as they’re dealing with their issues, it’s important to take care of ourselves too. Letting go of what you can’t control and setting boundaries will help you to have the emotional strength to be there for your family as they need you. 

With love and compassion,

Grace