My mom wants to help me organize my stuff. How do I say thanks-but-no-thanks?

Dear Grace,

I live with my parents at 43, and due to depression and medical problems I need to gut my bedroom. How do I start this process and keep my mom from trying to help? Especially since her cleaning methods are not like mine at all and it’s like a hurricane when she does it. And gives me anxiety.

– Thanks but no thanks in Tallahassee

Dear TBNT,

First, congrats on your decision to declutter! Lots of studies show that clutter—beyond making things hard to find—can actually affect your stress hormones and health. Gutting your bedroom and purging all that extra stuff is a good way to take care of your mental and physical health while also being one of those satisfying tasks to check off your to-do list every so often. As someone with an opinionated mother (and as one myself, if I’m honest), I get that your mom wants to help, and why that help might actually make the process harder. 

Here are some ideas to help you tackle this successfully without additional anxiety.

Make a plan. When it comes to tackling a big task—like cleaning out an entire bedroom—it helps to have a game plan you can stick to. If spending a whole day decluttering sounds overwhelming, set aside time each day for a week to get things done little by little.

If you’re taking things slow, move around the room clockwise and figure out what you can get done each day in the time you’ve allowed. For example: If first up is the dresser, commit to doing two drawers a day. If it’s the closet, you could plan one day for pants, one day for dresses, etc. As each area is completed, check it off your list and move on to the next. Not only will a plan give you a sense of control and calm, but it can be a useful thing to point to when your mom tries to “help” and you want her to know that you’ve got this. 

Prepare your boundary. It sounds like your mom has good intentions and wants to help. Take a moment to think about how you’d like to respond to her offer (you know it’s coming!), so that it’s kind but clear. This might sound like, “Thanks for offering, Mom, but I really want to do this myself. I have a system and it might look messy, but I’m working through it in my own way.” Giving it some thought ahead of time can help you have the right words and stay calm when you’re deep into your decluttering mode. 

Contain your chaos. With decluttering and reorganizing, it usually gets worse before it gets better! While it’s important to know that going in, there are a few things you can do to minimize the mess. Before you start, have boxes clearly labeled with some version of Throw Out; Donate/Sell; Keep/Repair. This can also help you hold your boundary better with your mother (“you’re really going to give away your high school graduation dress?!”). Keeping the boxes contained in your room, or even moving them out to the car and trash, can also  keep her from feeling like your project is intruding on her space and trying to “help.” 

Another way to keep piles from turning into permanent fixtures in your room is to decide now how you want to deal with things that you’re saying goodbye to. Will you take photos of items to post on a safe online reseller like Poshmark or just bag them up to drop at Goodwill or a local women’s shelter? Make the call early so you don’t have to look at those piles any longer than necessary.

As someone who has followed every decluttering trend in the book, I know how much better our minds can feel when there’s order around us. I know it seems like a lot now, but once you get going, I’m confident that you’ll get it all done!

Sending my love,

Grace