My son has been dreaming of his wedding day, but we heard his right to marry might be taken away. Is that true?

Dear Grace,

My adult son has been with his boyfriend for many years, and my son recently told me that he’s planning to propose! I’m so excited! I love my son’s boyfriend and can’t wait to welcome him to the family (officially) and help plan the wedding. I’ve offered to bake the cake, and he and I have talked about having it at my mother’s house (she has a beautiful backyard).

But on the phone the other day, my son told me that the Supreme Court might take away gay marriage. My stomach dropped. There are plenty of gay married couples in my area, and gay marriage has been the law for so long. Is it even legal for them to take away my son’s rights like that? I am already heartbroken at the idea that my son and his partner wouldn’t get to have the hometown wedding they’ve dreamed of.

As his mom, I want to tell him not to worry, but it’s hard to tell these days what is possible or where we are headed. What do you think?

– Confused and Concerned Mom in Michigan

Dear Concerned Mom,

First of all—congratulations to you as a future mother-in-law and to your son for finding someone he wants to spend his life with! It’s clear that you’ve raised a thoughtful young man and your close relationship is a testament to all of the wonderful parenting you’ve done. 

Second of all, I’m sorry that the two of you have to think about this at all. Planning a proposal (and then a wedding!) should be a joyful time—full of happy tears, exciting phone calls, and families coming together. It’s not fair that a room full of judges and lawyers could stand between your son and the happy future he wants for himself and his partner.

While I can’t tell the future, I do have some suggestions for how you can show up for your son right now.

Keep being an amazing mom.

The number one way to support your son (through any political climate) is to continue loving him and supporting him for who he is. So many LGBTQ+ people—young and old—talk about the pain they’ve experienced from a lack of acceptance from parents and loved ones, resulting in strained or even estranged relationships. The easiest and most important thing a mom can do is love and accept her kid for who they are. You are already doing that. And it’s clear that your amazing parenting has already helped your son live his best life…and find love of his own!

Listen to your son, but trust that most Americans don’t want to take your family’s rights away.

While it’s true that the Supreme Court has been asked to re-look at the Marriage Equality ruling (which gave same-sex couples the right to marriage many years ago), we don’t know yet if they will take the case. It makes sense that your son is scared. He has likely dreamed of his wedding day for a long time (who hasn’t?!), and the threat of his right to marry the love of his life getting taken away should be taken seriously. Whether they’re grown or still at home, when our kids are scared, the best thing we can do is acknowledge that their fear is valid and help them bravely move forward. You could try saying, “I’m so sorry that this is something you have to worry about. It’s just not fair. I love you and I’m here for you.”

At the same time, take heart that the majority of Americans support marriage equality and would support your son’s right to marry the love of his life. Marriage equality has been the law of the land in every state for over ten years. In some states, like Massachusetts, marriage licenses have been issued to same-sex couples for over 20 years. The right to marry has been part of our culture, and loving, same-sex couples have been tying the knot in our local courthouses for a long time. Why would the Supreme Court disrupt the status quo if it’s not what most Americans want? Make sure your son knows that not only is he supported, loved, and celebrated by you, but that most people in our country don’t want his rights taken away.

Prepare to stand up for your son and his community more than you ever have before.

I don’t have a crystal ball, so I don’t know what will happen with your son’s wedding or how hard it will be for him and his partner to get a marriage license. What I do know is that you are a mom, and moms protect their kids. I am keeping my fingers crossed that politics will stay out of the joyful process of welcoming a new son-in-law into your family, but if it doesn’t, I know you have the bravery and strength to speak up for your son and his community. Not sure where to start? Check out these options:

• Start small, talking with people you know. Tell family members and people in your community about this. Speak up to make sure that the people immediately surrounding your son are supportive, respectful, and informed.
• Do some research to learn about risk in your area. If the Supreme Court does reverse marriage equality, find out how the marriage license process will change in your town. You can learn more about how each county would be impacted here.
• Show up to a meeting. If you want to be a part of something larger, and connect with other parents who have the same worries, get involved with an organization like PFLAG.

It makes sense you want to protect your son, Concerned Mom. I know the feeling! One of the hard truths about being a parent is that we can’t protect our children from everything, but we can help them face their challenges and speak up for them when it matters most. Even though neither of us can predict what will happen with marriage equality, I am confident you will continue to be an amazing, supportive mom by validating his feelings, helping him see that most people have his back, and that you are prepared to speak up for him and his community.

With love,

Grace