My son is a new dad and isn’t stepping up. How do I nudge him along?

Dear Grace,

My son and his wife blessed me with a granddaughter 2 months ago-she’s perfect. They live out of state, so I only got out to visit them recently, and when I was there I noticed that my son isn’t stepping up to be a father the way he should. He hasn’t changed a single diaper, he passes the baby off as soon as she cries, doesn’t clean up or help cook any of the meals, and my poor daughter-in-law is barely able to keep up with the laundry. I was on my feet helping every day I was there.

Both my son and daughter-in-law work, and her maternity leave is about to end. She already looks so exhausted, I don’t know how they’re going to manage everything when both of them are working. I know it’s none of my business, but I want my son to be a good father and be the kind of husband who supports his wife and doesn’t take her for granted. How do I tell him to step it up?

– Raised Him Better Than That, Taylor County

Dear Raised Him Better Than That,

Congratulations, Grandma! While I don’t yet have any grands of my own, I can only imagine the joy of watching your child become a parent. This is a huge moment for your son and his wife and they’re lucky to have you around for support. The role of “parent” may not be new, but the expectations we have for mothers and fathers are evolving with our culture. For so many generations, it was normal for mothers to take on all of the household work and child-rearing, while fathers checked out and focused on their work outside the house. The result? Millions of fathers missed out on key moments and deep relationships with their children, both during childhood and later in life. 

But times are a-changin’, Raised Him Better, and when I asked our community about their expectations of fathers, the top responses were that good dads: 

• Show their affection
• Admit when they’re wrong
• Are active parents
• Do their share of the housework

Here is some advice to help your son adjust to his new role and set their little family up for success:

Help him build his confidence and daddy skills.

It’s been a while, but think back to those first months as a new mom (the lack of sleep, the endless diaper changes, the spit up on every shirt you own…). There is so much to learn and it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Your son’s lack of engagement may be (at least in part) a result of not knowing what to do—how to change his daughter’s diaper, soothe her when she’s fussy, swaddle and dress her—these are all new skills he’s never had to take on. He may be hesitant to try without being nudged, so next time you see an opportunity, ask him to help you with the baby. Put him in the driver’s seat and offer him help or advice when he needs it, but without taking over. The only way for him to gain those daddy skills is by rolling up his sleeves. 

You can also build his confidence along the way with some encouragement—things like “look how sweetly she sleeps with you, she loves her daddy!” The more involved he gets with her, the more confident he will be stepping up.

Share your hopes for his relationship with your granddaughter.

As you work on his daddy skills, find a moment to talk to him, parent-to-parent. Rather than reprimanding him for his lack of involvement so far, share your hopes for him and the special bond that he will cultivate with his baby girl. The quality of father-child relationships tends to get passed down with each generation, so talk to him about his dad and what you hope he can build on or change. As a parent, what do you wish you or his father had done differently? What memories stand out from those precious months when your son was a baby? We all inherit a legacy from our parents, but it’s up to us whether we carry it on or leave it behind. Hearing your hopes and your own reflections on his childhood can help paint a picture of the choices he has in front of him and why they matter.

Team up with your daughter-in-law.

Your daughter-in-law is so lucky to have such a loving grandmother for her baby and a supportive mother-in-law! Since she is the one managing most of the baby care right now, you’ll need her help to really make progress with your son. Moms often become the go-to or “default” parent, taking on the majority of kid-related responsibilities. If she wants to disrupt this expectation and actually get him more involved, she will have to make some changes, too. Encourage her to pause before jumping up to do something for the baby so that dad has a chance to try, and to resist doing things herself if it looks like he is struggling or doing it “wrong.” 

With her return to work coming up, invite both of them to sit down and figure out what support they need. By getting your son involved in the planning and problem-solving (rather than just giving him marching orders), you’re showing him that he is as much a part of running the household as his wife. Who will take time off for visits to the pediatrician? How will they handle meals during the week? What is the child care plan? They don’t need to have answers to all of these questions, but hopefully it serves as a starting point for them to problem-solve as a team.

You’re right to bring this up, Raised Him Better. Aside from getting to enjoy all the snuggles and witness her milestones, studies show that dads’ involvement also has a key impact on kids’ health, confidence, and success in the future. Raising kids isn’t just a mom’s job, dads have just as much responsibility to love, teach, and challenge their children so that they can become whoever they’re meant to be. Being a good dad isn’t about being perfect, it’s about showing up for your children and partner. Based on your question, I’m sure that you did raise him to be the kind of man who steps up for his family, and this may be just the nudge he needs. 

Sending you all my love, 

Grace