My son is being bullied for his autism—by kids and adults. How do I stand up for him?

Dear Grace,

My son is Autistic and in middle school. He is my whole life and perfect the way he is. He struggled with bullying a little bit last year, but it’s gotten worse since the whole “Tylenol causes autism” thing. Not only are kids at school making fun of him, but adults are being rude to him, too.

First of all, there is no single cause of autism. It’s not caused by vaccines or Tylenol or whatever. Second of all, why is everyone acting like autism is so terrible? My son is smart, kind, loving, and he can memorize whole movie scripts. I wouldn’t want to change him…ever! 

When I hear adults and kids saying things that aren’t true and that are meant to make Autistic people feel bad, I go into Mama Bear mode and get mad and protective. But I don’t want to yell at people or make it worse. What should I do? How can I convince people that my son’s autism isn’t bad, it’s a wonderful part of who he is? What should I say when people repeat false things about autism?

– Angry Mama in Ardmore

Dear Angry Mama,

I get why you’re angry. As parents, we want to protect our children from being bullied or from people who think they need to be “cured.” You clearly love your son deeply, just as he is! I’m sorry that other people around him are having trouble seeing him the way that you do.

While I understand why you would want to yell at someone for saying something cruel to or about your son, you’re right that it might make things worse. Here are some of my ideas about what you could do…Readers, give your advice to Angry Mama at the bottom!

Love him how he is, as loudly as possible.

Give your son a soft place to land by continuing to love the things about him that make him different. I love that you said, “I wouldn’t want to change him.” His autism isn’t a bad thing or something that needs to be “fixed,” it’s a wonderful part of who he is and how his brain works. The world can be hard for people with autism, whether they’re kids or adults, so make sure your home is a place where his difference is embraced and celebrated. Bragging about him, sharing his wins, and publicly showing how much you love his uniqueness will also help others see that autism isn’t something to be afraid of.

Start by giving folks the benefit of the doubt, and help them learn what you know.

It sounds like some of his bullying has gotten worse since the internet rumor about Tylenol causing autism (which is not true). Some folks who repeat that rumor aren’t doing so to be cruel and are genuinely kind people who just have the wrong information. If someone in your and your son’s life has the wrong information, try not to snap at them. As moms, we have to learn all kinds of new things when our kids come along: how to change diapers, how to make our favorite foods with “no green stuff in it,” the rules of kiddie soccer…I’m sure you learned A LOT about autism when your son was diagnosed. Start by seeing their kind heart, that they just haven’t learned what you have yet, and help them catch up.

Here are some ways to try that:

• Gently correct people who are saying things that aren’t true. Thanks to your personal experience with your son, you now have real expertise that others can trust and respect, which will help you get through to people who need to get their facts straight. 
• Ask questions: “What do you mean by that? Why are you saying that? Where did you hear that?” 
• Say how it makes you feel: “As a parent, I feel hurt that you can’t love my child just how he is. I am worried that if he hears what you’ve said, he will be hurt. It makes me not want to have him around you.”

The vast majority of people in your community don’t want to hurt you or your child; they might not realize that by spreading lies, they are doing just that.

Stand up to bullies in the moment, in front of your child.

If folks don’t listen to you when you share your experience or expertise as a mom, aren’t sorry for hurting you or your son’s feelings, or double down on repeating nonsense about autism or your son, I have another strategy in mind: Shut! It! Down! Shut down any psuedo-science or cruelty towards your child in the moment, in front of him. Your son will see you standing up for him, and others will see that disrespect towards you and your son is unacceptable. Set a boundary if you need to. If they aren’t listening to you, that’s not okay. 

• Pro Tip: Shutting it down doesn’t have to mean raising your voice. Be direct and firm, just as you would with your son when communicating a boundary. It might sound like: “What you said is not true and not acceptable. You may not speak to my son this way.”
• Pro Tip: When it comes to the kids bullying your child at school, it’s time to talk to your son’s teacher. Most middle schoolers have a guidance counselor, vice principal, or principal who has techniques for handling these kinds of situations. Set up a meeting and make a plan together.

Take deep breaths and let go of any “mom guilt.”

As moms, no matter how much we do for our kids or how hard we work, we all still experience “mom guilt.” When people say hurtful things about your son being Autistic because you took Tylenol while pregnant (not true!) or because you took him to his local pediatrician for his vaccines (not true either!), they are blaming you for making him, in their eyes, “less than.” That’s not fair because your son’s autism doesn’t make him any less. It’s also not fair because it’s another helping of “mom guilt” on an already full plate. Fighting for your son to get the medical care he needs and special education opportunities at school is already challenging. I know you are doing everything you can to support him. So don’t let the bullies make you believe that you aren’t. Take deep breaths and keep on being the amazing mom you are.

Your son is so fortunate to have such a fierce, strong, resilient, warm, loving mom. And you are so fortunate to have such a smart, sweet, creative son! Most of us know what it feels like to be bullied for being different, and most moms know what it’s like to want to protect our child from being hurt. Even if we don’t know exactly what it’s like to be in your shoes, we can all empathize with you on that. Thank you for sharing your story with the community.

Sending love to you and your son,

Grace