My son’s marriage is struggling. How do I help him when I think HE’S the problem?

Dear Grace,

How do I help my 44 year old son, who is going through a terrible marriage. He says his challenge is that women do not know how to submit anymore. I need to understand his definition of submitting. He has so much passion when discussing this topic and it honestly bothers me. How do I help them move forward?

– In a Pickle, Indiana

Dear In a Pickle,

I can tell how much you care about your son and daughter-in-law, and want to start by saying that they’re lucky to have you in their lives. The internet is full of stories about tension with the in-laws, but there are so many more untold stories of loving, supportive relationships like the one you clearly share with your son and DIL.

I hear that you’re concerned, and based on your son’s comments, I get why. It sounds like there is a lot to unpack here, so let’s dive in. 

Ask gentle questions. After reading your question, I’m wondering some of the same things you are: what does your husband expect of his wife? What does he mean that women should “submit?” Even more generally, when you say his marriage is in trouble—what are you referring to? Are they arguing or have we ventured into unhealthy-relationship-territory? Your course of action as a supportive parent and mother-in-law all depends on whether anyone’s safety is at risk. 

It seems like your son’s expectations of marriage are coming as a surprise to you, so it might be worth asking him about where they’re coming from. Unfortunately, there is a growing number of internet rabbit holes promoting unhealthy relationship dynamics disguised as “traditional marriage.” Examples of picture-perfect “Little House On the Prairie” lifestyles are all over social media, telling young people that they can achieve a slow, effortless life by simply submitting (to use your son’s word) to rigid gender roles that often leave women without any personal or financial freedom. 

This may be true of your son’s journey, or it may not. Either way, the next time you chat, ask your son what he wants out of his marriage and how his wife feels about it. Just having a simple conversation can help you uncover what’s really going on and why.

Connect with your daughter-in-law. Acknowledging that there’s trouble in paradise isn’t always easy, even when you’re seemingly surrounded by support. As her husband’s mother, your daughter-in-law might be worried that you’d take your son’s side in an argument. Find some one-on-one time with her to show (and tell) her that you’re there for her and don’t judge her for the trouble that they’re having. 

As someone with decades more life and relationship experience, you might be able to help your daughter-in-law sort through the situation and identify what they can work on versus what is simply not acceptable to her. Looking back to my own 20s and 30s, I can see how many relationship red flags I missed, simply because I didn’t know what was or wasn’t “normal.” Helping her to find her footing without judgment is one huge way that you can help them both move forward. 

Stay in your lane. At the end of the day, your son’s marriage is up to him and his wife to manage. All you can do is show up with support and the occasional tough love, and trust them to make healthy decisions for themselves. If it turns out that their approaches to marriage are just not compatible, they’ll really need your steadfastness and love as they work through what’s next–whether that’s separation or divorce. Talking about divorce might sound dramatic at this point, but I’ve learned that if we don’t agree on what it means to love each other well, there’s not much that we can do to move forward.

Recently, I’ve read that some politicians are talking about limiting access to divorce, particularly no-fault divorce. As someone who reads real, earnest requests for relationship advice every week, I can tell you that—even though it’s painful—divorce is an important option to keep on the table. We shouldn’t measure a successful relationship by how long you “stuck it out,” but by your desire to choose your partner each and every day. I hope your son and his wife find their way to choosing each other again, but even if they don’t, I’m glad they have someone like you to remind them that it’s okay. 

Sending my best wishes, 

Grace