My teen son is going to be a parent. How do I deal with this as a single mom?

Dear Grace,

My son is 15 years old and so is his girlfriend, she recently found out that she is pregnant. It has been very hard to take care of myself and my son. It’s just us 2 because his dad passed away when he was little. What is the best route I should take moving forward since she is keeping this baby?

– Very Unsure, Virginia

Dear Very Unsure,

You certainly have a lot on your plate and despite being thrown for a loop, I really admire how you’re seeking out the best way forward for you, your son, and now your soon-to-be grandchild. While you may not feel ready for this news, I have no doubt that you’ve got what it takes to continue to support your son as he starts a whole new journey.

As you know, this new situation will have its challenges. Here are a few ideas to help you and your son to find your way together. 

Make plans with your son. Even though he’s just 15, your son is now facing a lot of grown-up decisions. The best way to prepare him for what’s ahead is to talk it out together. Instead of figuring out what you should do next alone, sit down and discuss what the next few months (or even years!) will look like and how he and his girlfriend plan to handle them. Lay out some of the big questions they will have to answer, like: how will they manage childcare, balance work and school, and decide their living situation? This way you can teach him—and model—critical thinking skills and how to problem-solve while also giving him the confidence he’ll need to be a parent himself. Plus, by looking to him to make a plan, you’re telling him that you’re here for support but he’s got to step up and take responsibility, too. 

Support your son. While it may seem obvious to you that you love and support your son and want to help him through the stress of this situation, it may not be as obvious to him. How we talk about things matters. Teen parents face a lot of judgment and stigma, and they have enough challenges ahead of them without the added burden of shame and embarrassment. It will mean a lot to him and his girlfriend if they know they can rely on you for love and support. You’re absolutely entitled to your feelings—and that includes not being thrilled at the timing of all of this—but it’s important to present a supportive face to the parents-to-be. One example to consider: When you talk to family and friends, try to state what’s happening without commentary. You could say, “My son and his girlfriend are expecting a baby,” instead of “I can’t believe he was so irresponsible, now he’s 15 and going to be a dad!” 

Encourage your son to use public resources. We’re lucky to live in a country with the means to help us when life throws us curve balls like this. Programs like SNAP (formerly known as Food Stamps), TANF and HeadStart exist to help families in tough situations, so make sure that your planning sessions with your son include discussing these resources and exploring which ones might be beneficial. Guidance counselors, libraries, and state and local government or local elected officials’ websites can also provide useful information about what’s available in your community and how to access it. 

I know that as a single mom, you already had a million worries. Now that you have a million and one, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed and anxious about how you’re going to manage. Soon, though, you’ll  have a grandbaby you love just as much as your son, and whom you won’t be able to imagine living without. I hope you and your son can hold onto the joy of that knowledge in these coming weeks and months when things seem tough. 

With love and hope, 

Grace