My teenager is talking about birth control. How do I respond?

Dear Grace,

My 16 year old daughter recently mentioned that one of her friends is on birth control and I’m a little concerned. I always considered her parents to be responsible and have always been comfortable with my daughter spending time and sleeping over at their house, but this has me rethinking that trust. My husband says I’m overreacting, I need your advice, Grace.

– Out of My Comfort Zone in Oakdale

Dear Out of My Comfort Zone,

Thanks so much for your question, I can tell this is one of those parenting dilemmas that is keeping you up at night. Before we get into my advice, let me just commiserate with you from one mom to another—teenagers are hard! This is such an important time of growth for your daughter—she’s learning to be independent and responsible for herself. But (and this is a big “but”), it’s also a constant challenge for you and your husband to give her just the right amount of space to do it.

To trust or not to trust? Here is my answer:

Don’t jump to conclusions. You’ve heard that your daughter’s friend is on birth control, but as you probably well know, birth control is prescribed for lots of different reasons. She may be sexually active, need help regulating her period, be dealing with bad PMS symptoms (or something more serious, like PCOS or endometriosis), or this may be a precaution in case she decides to become sexually active in the future. So many young women grow up without healthcare or even information to navigate any of these situations, so I’m glad to know that your daughter’s friend has adults helping her get the care she needs.

Reflect on your trust. I understand feeling shocked when you heard the news—it seems like these girls were just finger-painting masterpieces yesterday, how are they already 16?! As a parent, your primary job is keeping your daughter safe, and it’s natural to make sure anyone taking care of her is 100% trustworthy. But as I was reading your note, I wondered: where does your trust come from? You mentioned that you always felt that this girl’s parents were responsible, and I assume that means they keep a safe home, don’t leave alcohol lying around, and are active parents who supervise the girls. From what you described, it doesn’t sound like any of the parents’ responsible behavior has changed, so why would your level of trust? Don’t let your fear run away with you—instead, consider inviting your daughter’s friend and her parents over for a cookout so you can remember why you trusted them in the first place.

Lean on your husband. In short, I do think you’re overreacting a smidge and I’ve been there too—the hardest part of parenting is dealing with the unavoidable changes that come with growing up. It’s normal to feel anxious about letting our kids make their own decisions or scared that she could be hurt, but remember that you’ve spent the last 16 years preparing her to thrive on her own. Throughout our lives as parents, there are times when we need to lean on each other for support, and I think this is one of those times.

Talk to your daughter. One thing I recommend to parents of teen girls is that they make an effort to familiarize them with the world of women’s health. The fact that your daughter told you about her friend starting birth control tells me that you two already have enough trust to talk about the hard stuff—that trust will only become more important as she gets older and has to make more grown up choices. Most teenagers (and plenty of adults) have only a basic idea of how their bodies work and how to stay healthy. Getting the healthcare we need as women often comes down to being strong advocates for our health, which requires knowing our bodies well and understanding the options available to us. Start talking to her now about her body and health and you’ll set her up for success as an adult. If you need advice on how to start that conversation, check out my tips here.

However uncomfortable it might make you at the start, these conversations are more important than ever. After the Supreme Court revoked women’s federal rights to full reproductive health care, some states have started going after access to contraception (birth control), despite the fact that 90% of Americans support access to birth control. This month, the issue came into national focus when Congress failed to pass the Right to Contraception Act, which would have ensured a federal right to access contraception. 

Everyone—particularly young women with so many choices in front of them—deserves to have access to the safe, affordable healthcare they need to feel safe and supported. 

I know how this must feel, Out of My Comfort Zone, and I really admire the thought you’ve put into it. It takes real strength to let trust, instead of fear, guide our parenting decisions. I’m sending you all my love!

Your fellow mom,

Grace