After a hard childhood, my young adult son can’t seem to leave home. How can I help him thrive?

Dear Grace,

How do I get my 22-year-old son to get on with life? He had a really hard upbringing, we were separated several times and the day he came back to live with me when he was 16 was the best day of my life. Ever since then, we both have separation anxiety because we’re afraid we’re going to lose each other again. But he needs to fly the nest and it’s hard for both of us to get him to do that because of what we lost and what we’re trying to make up. I think if he just gets a girlfriend things would be better but he doesn’t even seem to want to work. I can’t get him to get a job to help with the bills. It’s just me and him and we’re barely surviving. People tell me that he has to hit rock bottom before he realizes he needs to change, but I don’t want to watch him go through that. I’ve been there, and it sucks. What should I do? How should I get him to realize he’s about to be 22 and life has begun?

– Out Of Ideas, Ohio

Dear Out Of Ideas,

This next chapter may also take some work. As a mom, I know how hard it is to see our kids struggle. We hate to see them in trouble—much less at “rock bottom.” So, I have a few suggestions for things you can do before it gets there. 

Set goals together.

Goal-setting doesn’t come naturally for most of us, it’s something we learn—with help. Sit down together and talk about what kinds of things he wants out of life; maybe it’s to travel, to have a solid friend group, or to find a new passion or hobby. Even coming up with one or two clear goals can be a great way to kick-start his ambition. Share stories from your own life, so that he knows it’s OK to get discouraged, as long as you I hear all the challenges you and your son have been through and can appreciate how wonderful it must have been when you finally were able to be together again. I’m sure that took a lot of hard work and determination on your part, and that’s remarkable.

Next, help him think through what it would take to achieve his goals. Explain to him that the key is to break a goal down into manageable steps so that he can feel a sense of accomplishment over the smaller wins and not get overwhelmed by the big picture. You could even make it a fun thing to do together. Discuss and set your own individual goals, and then have weekly check-ins to see how far you’ve gotten. This will keep you both motivated and encouraged, as well as accountable. 

• For instance, if he dreams of being a professional gamer, a good starting point might be getting a job at a local tech or gaming store so that he can earn money while getting to familiarize himself with all the new developments in the field. 

Tackle the household bills together.

I hear that you’re both making up for lost time here and if living together works for you both, I think that’s great! I also hear, however, that his lack of a job is making your financial situation more difficult. At 22, he can be expected to work and help pay for expenses, and you have every right to ask him to do so. Pick a monthly amount that you expect him to contribute to your household. The amount you ask for is up to you, but I would show him a budget for what you pay in rent, groceries, utilities etc, so he gets an understanding of what things cost. Once you’ve shared what you expect from him, also share with him the consequences if he doesn’t follow through. They could be losing privileges to something you pay for—like a phone or a computer. Whatever you decide on, make sure it’s something that you’re willing to follow through with. 

Keep an eye on his health. 

Kids who have a harder time “launching” into adulthood may have something else going on. A lack of motivation or struggle to make and meet goals could be a symptom of mental health challenges like depression, anxiety, or ADHD. If he’s still having trouble after the above steps, you may want to encourage him to see a doctor to make sure there aren’t any underlying issues. Given the struggles you’ve both been through, he may benefit from speaking with a counselor. While moms wear so many hats for our kids, it’s important to know when to call in a professional to help them get what they truly need. 

You’ve already shown a mother’s love and tenacity in bringing your son back to you, so I have no doubt that the same determination and compassion will help him as he (eventually) leaves the nest. You got this! 

With love and understanding, 

Grace