Special April Fool’s Edition: How do I tell if I’m being tricked while online dating?

Dear Grace,

I really like somebody that is in the army, I’ve been talking to him online and we’ve really fallen for each other. But I don’t know if I can trust him. What should I do? Should I continue talking to him? How do I know if he’s real?

– Might Be In Love, Mississippi

Dear Might Be In Love,

Happy April Fool’s! I don’t mind an April Fool’s prank but there are enough unknowns in the dating world already—nobody wants more surprises! I get lots of questions like yours, Might Be, from readers who are searching for (and finding!) love on the apps or online in other places. In some ways, it’s easier to meet someone now than ever, but getting to know someone through a screen also presents its own set of challenges, like:

How do I know that this person is being honest about their intentions? 

Can I trust their profile? Do they really look like their picture?

What if our chemistry online doesn’t translate to real life? 

When is it “real” enough to tell my friends?

These are all totally reasonable questions to have, Might Be, and show me that your brain is doing its job: protecting you. Here are some tips to help you identify any red flags in your budding romance:

🚩 They are ALL in, all of the sudden. 

I love a sweeping romantic gesture as much as the next person, but someone who is over-the-top about their feelings for you right out of the gate should send your spidey-senses tingling. Love-bombing, or gushing over you constantly, is a tactic to gain your trust quickly and tells you that something isn’t right. 

🚩 Meeting in-person is impossible. 

The apps are a great way to meet people, but actually having a relationship means that you two need to spend time together in real life. Talk to him about making plans to meet up (or at least video chat, in the meantime) and see how he responds. I see that your new guy is in the military, just keep in mind that some scams will claim that they can’t meet in person due to deployment, a long business trip, or living far away. 

🚩There’s talk of $$$. 

Any time someone asks you for money online, it’s an immediate red flag. In romantic scams, people may talk about needing money to make the trip to see you or to deal with an emergency of some kind. If money comes up, it’s time to step on the brakes and evaluate the situation. If this sounds familiar, check out this full list of red flags and tips to avoid scammers. 

When it comes to dating, whether online or in-person, I think we’re always trying to balance caution with the hope of finding love and the courage it takes to put ourselves out there. Whether this relationship turns into something special or not, I hope you’re proud of your own openness to love. It’s easy to get discouraged and stop putting yourself out there to avoid disappointment, but you also end up sacrificing your chance to find that person that understands you as completely as you understand them. 

I’m sending you all my best wishes as you explore things with your online guy, and for whatever lies ahead.

Grace