Help! My boyfriend and I keep repeating the SAME argument.

Dear Grace, 

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years and I love him so so much, BUT I’m losing my mind having the same fight over and over again. We’ve been through a lot together and are generally pretty happy, until it comes to dividing housework. Whenever I bring up the chores that need to get done and not wanting to do it all myself, he claims not to notice the mess or that it can wait until later.  We are talking about getting engaged, but I feel like I need to resolve this issue before we tie the knot. How can we move forward and grow as a couple if we can’t agree on our chore responsibilities?

Chored to Death in Chattanooga

Dear Chored,

This argument drives me crazy (both in my own house and when I hear about it from lovely readers like you).

You’re right to feel overtasked, and you’re not alone. And you’re right–household duties and chores are not something to sweep under the rug. We’ve all felt the frustration of coming home to find the same pile of dishes in the sink from this morning and laundry wrinkled in the dryer. It’s easy to get into a rut, thinking “I might as well do it, no one else will,” but that idea will only build your frustration over time.

It sounds like your relationship could use a squeaky clean set of guidelines when it comes to who’s doing what around the house. Since this issue is important to you, you may have to be the one to roll up your sleeves and take the initiative here. I suggest you give yourselves 45 minutes, and:

1. Agree on what needs to get done. Work together to make a list of the chores that you’d both like to see get done around the house on a daily (dishes), weekly (mop floors), monthly (wash windows) and seasonal (wash and pack up winter clothing) basis. Hopefully, this will help squash the “I’ll do it later” argument by giving you both a clear schedule for your chores.
2. Divide and conquer. Using whatever works best (white board? online calendar? back of a receipt?), divvy up the jobs between you, starting with the ones you most enjoy and working your way down to the jobs neither of you wants (in my house, it’s folding laundry). Now, come up with a fair way to balance the jobs neither of you like, like alternating by week or day, or taking on two extra ‘tolerable’ chores to make up for your boyfriend doing the one you both dread the most. Do you feel an argument starting? Try using the Fair Play cards to make the conversation easier
3.  Give it a try. Place your new plan somewhere you’ll always be able to find it (on the fridge, surrounded by the magnet collection) and try it out for a month. If it doesn’t work the way you hope, regroup and try again. Your love, and sanity (and tidy home) are worth it. 
4. Check in and be accountable. Decide how to respond if (when) you slip up or slack off. Figuring this out in advance will help you avoid the arguments and dreaded accusations of “nagging.”

You’re smart for tackling this now, before it becomes a deal breaker in your relationship. You’ve got this!

<3 Grace