How do I tell my husband that enough is enough?

Dear Grace,

My husband (married for 5 years, together for 8) cannot seem to manage a calendar. I noticed it when we were dating at first, but just wrote it off. Now that we’ve been married a while and have a toddler, I’m starting to get exasperated. It seems like in the past few years, his ability to keep track of appointments and dates has only gotten worse. Whether it’s date nights, doctor’s appointments, play dates, or being invited to dinner at friends’ houses– I am always the one managing the schedule and keeping track of where we need to be, when. It might sound like a small thing, but I’m starting to feel like an air traffic controller and I need a solution.

– Scheduled-Out in Springfield

Dear Scheduled,

This is so tough, and I feel for you. In fact, all that work you’re doing alone is not a small thing. All of that invisible planning, scheduling, and logistics work you’re doing is what people are calling the mental load that (mostly) mothers carry for their families. Every little task you mentioned requires time, space in your brain and usually some kind of action or errand. Hence the term mental LOAD: a ton of little things that add up to a BIG thing.

I totally get why you feel “like an air traffic controller, ” overwhelmed, and a little underappreciated. It’s time for some backup.

Here are a few suggestions: 

• Work as a team. Tell your husband how you are feeling and ask him to own one day or activity on the calendar (pizza night, Little League events, Tuesday play dates). Giving him a chance to clock hours making plans will build his confidence in “air traffic control.” This kind of win could do wonders for him (and for you!) going forward. 
• Agree on a system. Consider visual options like a good old-fashioned white board calendar or a joint Google Calendar that pings you with reminders. Once you both land on a system (and I really mean this), let go and truly let him own his days or activities. He may not do things the way you would, but that’s ok. 
• Consider. Is there a chance that your husband could have ADHD? Is he forgetful in other ways or is this strictly a calendar-only issue? If you notice that he seems easily distracted or is always putting his car keys in the refrigerator, he could be the parent of a toddler–or he could be struggling. 

You’re not alone in the control tower. Hopefully, as the two of you look to the future and move towards it together, you’ll be doing less of the scheduling. 

<3 Grace