How do I get my teenage daughter to care?

Dear Grace,

My mom is in a nursing home and is really lonely. I keep trying to convince my 15-year-old daughter to go visit her, but she doesn’t want to. I know it would mean the world to my mom to have her granddaughter visit, but I don’t want to keep fighting about it and turning it into a chore. How can I lovingly encourage my daughter while making it clear that “no” is not an option?

– Frustrated in Fox Run

Dear Frustrated,

Frustrated, this is so hard. I feel for your mom, and it’s clear that you want to support her during the sunset years of her life. About 70% of Americans will someday require the kind of care your mother is getting in assisted living. It must be hard for a young person to wrap her head around what she’ll be doing and feeling 65+ years from now. It sounds like this is a tough situation for all three of you, but I have some suggestions to help you move forward.

Get to the heart of the matter. A sit down with your daughter is in order to figure out why she is so resistant to going to visit her grandma. Nursing homes can be intimidating for young people—for many of them it’s their first experience with the final phase of life, which can be scary or uncomfortable. Once you understand why she is hesitant to visit, you’ll be able to tackle what to do about it.

Help her relate. Your daughter may not know your mother very well outside the role of “grandma.” When I was growing up, my Nana was always around—cooking dinner, sweeping up Legos, and keeping the peace between my uncles. Her presence was so constant and classically “grandma” that it wasn’t until I was in my 20’s that I realized I didn’t actually know her very well outside of being my Nana.

So the next time I visited, my mom and I lugged boxes of photos out of the attic and spent the afternoon looking through them together. It was some of the most fun I’ve ever had with Nana. We found crinkled photos of her as a kid, a hilarious picture of her and my grandfather at some kind of costume party, and my personal favorite, at least 20 shots of Nana posing with her friends in old school bikinis at the beach. I felt like I was peeking behind the curtain and meeting someone that I never knew had been there all along.

Help your daughter get to know her grandmother and find out what they have in common. Share some of your favorite stories, look through the photo albums, and get your mom talking about life before she was anyone’s mom or grandmother. Make a game out of “oohing” and “ahhing” at the fashion trends from over the years and see which of them have come back in style (looking at you, bellbottoms).

Finish your visit with something fun. Come up with a fun ritual for the two of you to enjoy together once you leave grandma’s. Pizza for dinner? Ice cream? A round of bowling? Whatever it is, putting a smile on both your faces can help mitigate any stress that you might be feeling after your visit, and make those visiting days ones she looks forward to.

Having three generations in one room is not something to shake a stick at—if you ask me, it’s actually pretty darn special. However frustrated you are right now, I’m confident that if you take the lead, you can help both your daughter and your mom connect in a way they will always treasure.

All my love,

Grace <3