Ask The Readers: How do I talk to my family about whether my long term partner is right for me?

Dear Readers,

How do I talk to my family about whether or not they think my long-term partner is right for me?

– Confused in Claremont

Dear Confused, 

Ask The Reader is your regular chance to grab the mic and give advice to other readers in our community.
Each piece of advice we share comes from a different thoughtful reader–thanks to everyone who shared their experience and wisdom with Confused. Keep an eye out for more juicy questions and answers!

Let’s dive in. 

Decide what you’re really asking. Are you trying to convince your family that your partner is right for you, looking for their advice, or hoping for help screening your partner for a big decision? Once you’ve figured out what you need from your family, let them know that, regardless of if you agree with them or not, you respect and appreciate their opinion.

Be direct. I have three words for you: open, honest, direct. If you value your family’s opinion, the best thing to do is just ask. Keep an open dialogue without feeling the need to defend or criticize your partner. Let them know that you care about what they have to say and how much you value their input. Explain that, in the end, you will make the decision that feels right to you. Tell them that their love, support, and respect for your choices is what you appreciate the most. 

Consider their relationship. I myself would not necessarily ask my family to weigh in because they don’t really know my partner. I would ask friends that do know both me and my partner. Your partner’s friends may even know better because they’ve known him or her longer than you. Be sure to follow your gut instincts. You know yourself the best. If there are any doubts, I would slow down until you are 100% sure of how things are between the two of you. . .

Be mindful of your partner’s privacy. You should get to know your partner before sharing information about him or her to your family. Some things may be too intimate to discuss with them. My advice would be to think this one out before starting a family discussion. If you decide to move forward and involve your family in your business, do it with caution.

Find someone objective. Family is usually too close to the situation to help you make any decisions. I would recommend talking to someone who is not invested in your decision, a friend, someone at church you are close with, a good neighbor, or a professional. Try to make a level-headed decision and not one made in anger or for revenge. Compare pro’s and con’s and decide what is best for you in the long run. Take your time and think things through. Once you are sure of your decision, then notify your family and just be calm and sure of yourself. Remind them that it is your decision, you have not made it in haste and they need to respect that. 

Trust your gut. What matters most is if YOU feel your partner is right for you. After all, families tend to think that no one is good enough for their loved one. Your relationship is your decision and no one else’s. If you have to ask others for affirmation about your choice of partner, consider stepping back from the relationship to give you time to listen to your higher self. If you can’t decide if a partner is “right” for you on your own, they probably aren’t. 

Well, Confused, we hope our advice has cleared up the way forward. We’re sending you all our love and support!

<3 Your Fellow Readers