How do I tell my mom how I feel without starting a fight?

Dear Grace,

A few weeks ago, one of my close friends had a miscarriage and rushed herself to the hospital. Her husband was out of town, so she called me to go with her. It was a really sad, emotional night. She found out the pregnancy was not viable and she ended up undergoing a procedure before she could safely go home. I drove her home and stayed with her until her husband got back. 

Later, I had a talk with my mom about what had happened. I know she is strongly anti-abortion but we are close and I didn’t think anything of sharing. She was clearly uncomfortable with the idea that my friend hadn’t allowed for a “natural miscarriage” and I left feeling really upset. I know we disagree on this, but the idea that my friend should have continued to suffer makes me want to scream. I stand by her and would do so again in a heartbeat – that’s what friends do. I love my mom and wish she could understand the impossible situation my friend was in. How do I talk to her about it?

– Speechless in Saginaw

Dear Speechless,

I want to start by saying I’m so sorry for your friend’s experience, and I’m just so relieved that you were able to be with her in her time of need. She is lucky to have a friend like you.

I can also understand the anger and confusion that you have around your mom’s response. It’s not fair that your friend (or anyone in a similar situation, for that matter) might be denied the care they need or judged for care they received. This is such a sensitive topic, especially in the wake of your friend’s miscarriage, so here’s some advice to move forward in a way that brings healing.  

Take a time-out. Instead of jumping right into another discussion with your mom while emotions are running high, pause to cool down and reflect. Distance with loved ones can take many forms – physical, emotional, and ideological – but no matter how it shows up, it’s painful, not to mention confusing. It’s hard to untangle all the feelings that are tied up in this situation and in your history as mother and daughter, so it’s normal to be, well, Speechless. 

As you’re processing how the conversation made you feel, try to think about where it fits in the larger picture of who your mom is as a person and the values she holds. Remembering what you love about her and the values you share is a good way to set yourself up to work through this together, instead of driving a wedge between you. 

Call your mom. It takes a lot of courage (and love) to address the elephant in the room and choose to repair your relationship, rather than sweeping it under the rug. Sit down with your mom and tell her how her comments made you feel. Use “I” statements to keep her from feeling defensive, and share how you wish she had reacted. Think ahead about what you want to say, it might sound something like this: 

“Mom, you taught me to show up for people and care for them. It’s something we have in common. It really hurt when I told you about my friend’s tragedy and you weren’t supportive. Even if you personally would have made a different choice, I wish you could have shown more compassion for her situation or at the very least, just supported me for being the kind of person who is there for her friend.” 

Hold onto the values that you know you share to help her hear and appreciate your perspective. Keep in mind, it’s pretty unlikely that your mom (or anyone, really) changes their mind overnight about an issue, especially one as personal and sensitive as abortion care. But just because she doesn’t outright agree with you, doesn’t mean your conversation wasn’t successful. Every small step towards greater understanding and respect between the two of you is a win.    

Keep showing up. You demonstrated gloriously what you’re capable of in a hard situation, both as a friend and as a daughter. Whether it’s having a tough, honest conversation or showing up at the hospital in the middle of the night, you’re clearly committed to being there for the people you love as authentically as you can. Keep trusting your gut and you’ll find that it very rarely will steer you wrong. 

Thanks for writing in, and keep being the wonderful friend that you are. 

<3,

Grace