How do I get my boyfriend to open up about his feelings?

Dear Grace,

I’ve been dating my man for 5 months now. He’s made me think a lot more than all my previous relationships. But like most men he’s closed off from feelings or expressing them. How do I show him it’s ok to be RAW open and honest with me? I want to be his best friend and share experiences together. How do I get him to realize that?

– Open-hearted in Oregon

Dear Open-hearted,

Congratulations on being in a successful and healthy relationship! No relationship is perfect, and even as you two grow together, you’ll always find things to work on. While I understand you’re looking for ways to take your connection to a deeper level, it sounds like your relationship has already inspired you to grow in ways that you felt had been lacking in the past, and that’s a wonderful thing. 

So how do we build on that? Here are a few things I suggest trying.

Practice what you preach. One of the best ways to let your boyfriend know that your relationship is a safe place to open up is to lead by example. Share your feelings with him, including how it feels to know that you can trust him with anything and not worry he will judge you. Watching you trust him with your more vulnerable emotions—and the intimacy it builds between you as a result—can inspire him to share more with you in return.

Consider how he might already be communicating. It sounds like you are craving those marathon heart-to-heart sessions, but that might not be the most comfortable way for him to share. Some people find that having the distraction of a physical activity such as hiking or crafting takes the pressure off and allows conversation to flow more organically. You’ve mentioned he’s made you think a lot, so it sounds like he’s already communicating in his own way, whether through words or actions. Try to think back on those times: Were you engaged in a specific type of activity? What were you talking about? What else was going on that day? Your boyfriend may have other ways of expressing his feelings, and understanding what works best for you as individuals can help you find a solution that works for you as a couple.

Respect his space. He may love your openness, even as he struggles with his own. Perhaps he’s been hurt before or maybe, as you say, he’s just been conditioned to think that showing emotion is weakness. You can’t make someone share their feelings if they’re not ready, and trying to force it is a sure way to close them off even further. Respecting his boundaries and letting him share at a pace he’s comfortable with will help create a safe space to explore new ways of communicating, which may eventually get you to the emotional intimacy that you crave. 

It sounds like you each got a good one here, Open-hearted! Remember, a strong relationship isn’t about doing everything the same way, it’s about learning from each other and growing in ways that bring you closer to yourselves and to each other. I wish you both the best for your journey ahead!

With love and excitement,

Grace