Does watching porn count as cheating?

Dear Grace,

What would you do if you found out your significant other watched porn? I (28 female) have a boyfriend (33 male). I just recently found out that he has a porn hub account. I really love him and he’s never cheated. I feel like he’s cheating even though I know these are women just on screen. Idk how I’m getting by but I’ve literally been sick to my stomach and damn near having panic attacks over it. I love him so much but I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to handle this one thing.

– Torn in Tampa

Dear Torn,

First of all, you’re not alone in this. “To porn or not to porn” is a common question between partners and there is no one answer. I can’t tell you which option is “correct” because, like most things when it comes to sexuality, it’s personal. I want you to know that your feelings about this are normal and I’m glad you’re giving yourself space to reflect on them and reach out for support.

Likewise, your boyfriend’s interest in porn is valid and actually pretty normal. I don’t see either of you as being “in the wrong,” instead, yours seems like a question of understanding each other’s feelings so you can find out if there’s a middle ground where you both feel respected and heard. Here are some steps to get you on your way: 

Take a deep, loving breath. I can tell from your message that this has been super stressful for you, and I’m sorry for how you’ve been feeling. In order to work through this, you’re going to need to be in a place where you can think about it clearly and calmly. Take some steps to clear your head and let out the stress: a long walk, a talk with a friend or therapist, an exercise class. Lean in to activities that make you happy and help you to let go of some of that stress and tension.  When it comes to relationship struggles, we each have to be able to manage our own feelings before we can try to come together and solve anything. 

Figure out why this was so triggering. As I said, you’re not alone; a lot of people would respond similarly in this situation. At the same time, I think it will be helpful for you to figure out, specifically, why your boyfriend’s porn habits bother you so much. Are the unrealistic beauty standards or expectations around sex what bothers you? Are you worried that, over time, it will lead to more than just looking? Are you afraid he’s not as satisfied with your sex life as you are? Do you find it exploitative of the women involved? By getting to the heart of what’s so upsetting to you, you’ll be able to clearly express your concerns to him—and also get closer to finding a solution that works for you both. 

One reason lots of people take issue with porn is because the industry has a history of being pretty exploitative and unfair to the actors, particularly women. It’s not easy to tell whether the people on screen have been coerced or are truly there of their own free will, or if they’re being paid fairly for their work. In short, there’s a lot of sketchy (and downright dangerous) stuff out there, and if your boyfriend feels strongly about continuing to watch, he should consider looking into adult film studios that guarantee safety and dignity to all of the people involved.

Talk to your boyfriend. Once you’ve taken a moment to center yourself and get clear on what you’re feeling and why, find time to talk with him (not just to him – it’s important that you listen, too). Start by asking him in an open way why he watches and how often. Porn addiction is a real health issue that people deal with, but most of the time, watching pornography is a normal expression of our sexuality (for people of all genders). Once each of you understands the other, you may find that you are feeling differently, or he may be moved to change his behavior in a way that makes you more comfortable. You’ll never know if you don’t talk it through. 

Lean into the love you both feel for each other, and I have every confidence that you can work through this and find a way forward. Even though it’s hard, remember that every obstacle you two encounter and get through makes you a stronger couple for whatever the future holds. 

Wishing you luck,

Grace