Ask The Readers: How do I teach my teenage stepdaughter confidence?

Dear Readers,

I have a 16-year-old stepdaughter who has been through a lot with her biological mother and as a stepmom, I’m trying to teach her self-love and self-confidence. 

How do I help her learn to love herself?

– Trying My Best in Kentucky

Dear Trying My Best,

Ask The Readers is your regular chance to grab the mic and give advice to other readers in our community. Each piece of advice we share comes from a different thoughtful reader. Keep an eye out for more juicy questions and answers!

Your question really touched my heart, TMB, and I think the thousands of readers who responded with their own advice for you would say the same. I like to think of parenting (and step-parenting!) as a process of helping our children become who they’re meant to be, and it’s not always easy to know the “right” thing to say or do. While we had a lot of different tips and advice to share, one thing we all immediately agreed on was that you’re doing great. 

Here is some advice to help cultivate your step-daughter’s self-love and healthy sense of confidence: 

Set an example of self-love.  

“Teaching self-love starts with leading by example! Young girls learn confidence by seeing it modeled in their everyday lives. Encourage her to embrace her uniqueness, celebrate her strengths, and practice positive self-talk. Help her set goals, support her interests, and remind her that mistakes are part of growth, not failure. Most importantly, create a safe space where she feels heard, valued, and loved unconditionally. Confidence grows when she knows she’s enough just as she is!”

“Teenagers today have it so much harder than we did. They aren’t just competing with everyone in their local school, but also with teens all over the world on social media. The days of doing as I say, but not as I do are over. We are now aware that the best way to lead is by example. If you want to teach her self-love and self-confidence, show her what true self-love and self-confidence look like. Be proud of your choices and be unapologetic for standing behind what you believe. Help others who are being persecuted in front of you, even if it’s not the popular choice. Being kind and compassionate is always trending. I have always found the first step to finding confidence is loving others and being good to them. It reciprocates back to you, and doing something good always makes you feel good inside.” 

Help her practice challenging herself. 

“I’m a stepmom also and know the balancing act of trying to parent while not overwhelming your step-child. I think something that would help confidence is turning small wins into big wins. Maybe making a box cake together, maybe eventually signing up for a 5k together. Achieving small wins in a field of her interest gives her the confidence to take on something more challenging. When she’s ready to take on something bigger, she’ll have a whole log of references she can go back to in her mind as a reminder that she can be successful. Praise effort over outcome–even if she doesn’t get the result she wants every time, putting 100% into a project is something to be proud of.” 

“Confidence isn’t built overnight. It comes from stacking little moments of success. Whether it’s a hobby, fitness goal, or new challenge, encourage her to take small steps and celebrate the progress and not just the end result.”

Say it out loud–even when it sounds cheesy.

“Write affirmations on little notes and hang them on the bathroom mirror or anywhere for her to read to herself or for you to read to her. Examples: I am strong, I am beautiful, I am kind, I am brave, I am a good friend, I am important, etc. It’s a very empowering way of reclaiming self-love and practicing it every day. Even if she sometimes doesn’t feel it is important or feels silly, saying things out loud helps us train our brains.” 

“Tell her to love and embrace her differences from other people because they’re what make her unique. Remind her that she is her own person with her own kind of beauty, and that is something no one can take away. Tell her that you love her unconditionally. She needs to hear that self-confidence goes hand in hand with self-respect also, so try to instill that as much as you can.” 

Encourage her to own her story. 

“I think the most important thing for young girls to learn is that their voice matters. Anytime they feel uncomfortable in a situation they should be able to speak up and be listened to and heard. Particularly if they feel uncomfortable with someone who might be considered an authority figure.”

“When we’re kids, we often blame ourselves for things that had nothing to do with us, so it seems silly to suggest self-forgiveness, but at the same time, part of growing up is recognizing where you could have responded differently or done better. For me, forgiving myself for my own negative self-talk was a big part of opening my heart to the self-love I needed.” 

“I feel the best way to teach children how to love themselves is to give children choices and encourage them to make their own decisions. Another great way to instill self-love in your children is to not make every decision for them. By letting them decide, they will learn what they like, and speak up for what they want. You’re teaching them that their choices matter.“

It sounds like your stepdaughter has been through a lot, and I’m so glad that she has you to help lift her up and remind her that where she has been has no bearing on where she is going. Even the most confident person among us has had moments when they needed to lean on their loved ones for support and a reminder that they can handle what life throws at them. As a community of over half a million former teenage girls, we can say from experience that it gets better. 

Sending all our love, 

Grace and the Readers