Dear Readers,

I think my partner is cheating. Something just feels off. How do I find out if he is? How do I approach this rationally and with dignity, no matter the outcome?

– Suspicious in Savannah

Dear Suspicious in Savannah,

Ask The Readers is your regular chance to grab the mic and give advice to other readers in our community. Each piece of advice we share comes from a different thoughtful reader.

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I’m so sorry that you aren’t able to trust your partner right now. Whether or not your partner is cheating on you, it’s clear that something is going on and you need to have a conversation with him. 

Women from across the country have been in your shoes. They wrote in with stories about discovering their husbands and boyfriends were cheating. Suspicious behavior went from getting really into fitness and fashion all of a sudden, to no longer wanting any intimacy from their partner, to being out late every night with a different colleague. Women also wrote in sharing that sometimes worrying about cheating means there are other issues in the relationship, like a lack of trust. 

Every relationship is different, and only you can decide what your “deal-breakers” are. In the meantime, here is some advice from women across the country who are rooting for you:

Be honest with yourself about what has changed and what you will forgive.

• “This might not be your situation, but sometimes I think my boyfriend is cheating when I’m really insecure. He’s never cheated before, but when I feel that way, it usually means we have other problems we need to work on. So even if he’s not cheating, maybe other things about the relationship need to change.“
• “I wouldn’t want to bring it up until I have something obvious to point to. If he was being sneaky with his phone or changed his iPad password or something, I would talk to him directly. I would say, ‘Why did you do that? You’re acting suspicious. Are you cheating on me?’ But if he’s just acting off and you have no proof, just check in with him. He might not be cheating, but still have a conversation about the relationship.”
• “Before you say anything, get centered: Ask yourself, what do I actually need to feel secure in this relationship? Decide your boundary ahead of time. If he is cheating, what will I do? It’s good to think about what you want to fight for.”

Talk to him about your concerns.

If something feels off, it probably is. There may be something else going on, not infidelity. Either way, the best way to get to the bottom of it is to start a conversation.

• “Tell your friends right before you talk to him about it. Then ask him what is going on and why things have felt off. Tell him what the relationship is lacking and ask him to be honest with you if he has cheated. Then, no matter what his answer is, you can go spend the night with your friends if you need the space.”
• “It doesn’t need to be a big fight. Calmly talk to him about your suspicions. You are both grown-ups and can act accordingly. No matter how betrayed you feel, or how guilty he feels, there’s no need to scream and shout.”
• “Approach it calmly, directly, and grounded. You can say something like: ‘I’ve been feeling like something is off between us. Is there anything going on that I should know about?’ Then watch his behavior more than his words: Does he stay calm and open? Does he deflect, get angry, or flip it on you? Does his explanation actually make sense? How he talks to you about this could make or break whether you choose to stay by his side and forgive him or walk away.“

Know your boundaries and your worth.

• “If you bring up genuinely weird behavior and obvious things that he is doing that are suspicious, and he tells you that you are crazy, walk away. You shouldn’t be with someone who pisses on you and tells you it’s raining.”
• “Avoid these traps that will make you feel desperate: Don’t snoop obsessively (it escalates anxiety and can backfire). Don’t rely on social media clues alone. Don’t become a private detective about it.”
• “The most important part is protecting your dignity, no matter the outcome: If he denies it, but things still don’t add up: Trust patterns over promises. Look for consistent behavioral shifts: Sudden secrecy with phone (password changes, always face down, leaving the room to text), changes in routine that don’t add up, Emotional distance or irritability, Less intimacy or unusual new preferences, being overly defensive when asked simple questions. If he is cheating, take some time to think about if the trust has been broken beyond repair. Don’t compete with another person. If you do give him a second chance, make sure he puts in the work to earn your trust back.“

Every relationship is different. Some couples work through infidelity and find a way to build trust again. Others see cheating as a deal-breaker. Whatever you decide, know your worth! We’re rooting for you. 

Love, 

Grace and the Readers