My daughter-in-law wants to stop vaccinating my grandkids. How do I keep them safe?

Dear Grace,

I live a couple of hours away from my grandkids, and I try to see them at least once a week. They are 4 and 2, so I get my exercise in running around after them and taking them to the playground. They are truly the light of my life.

My daughter-in-law recently mentioned that she wasn’t going to give the babies any more vaccines. She got them their shots right when they were born, like the pediatrician said, but she recently got into this skincare club that sells creams and stuff, and I think the ladies at the club told her not to get vaccines anymore. 

This makes me very worried. I was born in the 1940’s, so I remember kids dying of measles and getting paralyzed from polio left and right. Then the polio vaccine came, and the measles vaccine came, and kids stopped dying from that. These grandkids are my everything. I can’t bear the thought of them getting sick and dying from something preventable. What do I do?

– Worried Grandma in Wisconsin

Dear Worried Grandma,

Those grandkids are lucky to have someone who loves them this much. And you are right to be concerned—vaccines are one of the safest, most studied tools we have for keeping children healthy. Your memory of what life looked like before vaccines is one of the most powerful things you can bring to this conversation. Trust it.

Your daughter-in-law isn’t a bad mom. Smart, caring parents get handed wrong information all the time. The goal isn’t to win an argument—it’s to protect those babies together. Here’s what to say:

Start with what you agree on.

Talk to her like a teammate, not like an opponent. You both love these kids and want them to be safe. Open by finding common ground. You can say: “I know our healthcare system isn’t perfect, and I know you want the best for these kids—so do I. We both want them to grow up healthy and strong.” When she feels like you’re on the same team instead of arguing with her, she’s much more likely to really listen.

Share what you lived through.

You have something no brochure can offer: your own memory. Tell her what you saw. Tell her about the kids in your neighborhood who got polio. Tell her about the fear families in your neighborhood felt before vaccines existed. Vaccines are one of the greatest medical advances in history—they have controlled or wiped out diseases that once caused terrible suffering and death, from smallpox to polio to measles. That didn’t happen by accident. It happened because communities came together and got their kids vaccinated. When vaccination rates stay high, it protects not just your grandchildren, but every child in the neighborhood—including babies too young for certain shots and kids whose bodies can’t fight off illness as easily.

Explain how vaccines actually work.

I’m no health care expert, so I talked to my doctor, and she explained how vaccines work in words I could understand. Your daughter-in-law may have heard things that made vaccines sound scary or unnatural. Try sharing with her what my doctor shared with me:

• First: think of a vaccine like a software update for the immune system. Just like your phone works better after an update, a child’s immune system responds faster and more effectively after a vaccine has prepared it. 
• Second: getting vaccinated is a lot like learning to read. Vaccines are like beginner books that teach the immune system how to recognize a disease. With that practice, if the real disease ever shows up, the body already knows how to fight back.

Get the whole team on the same page.

Talk to your son privately and calmly—not to stir the pot, but to make sure he’s part of this conversation too. Remind him that you’re all on the same team: you, him, his wife, and the kids’ pediatrician. Encourage both parents to bring any questions or concerns straight to the doctor before making any decisions. A good pediatrician has heard it all and won’t make anyone feel foolish for asking. Let them know you’re not there to tell them what to do — you’re there because you love those kids, and so do they.

You are not alone in this worry. In fact, there’s a whole community of concerned grandparents like you right here. Keep showing up with love. That’s the most important thing.

With love,

Grace