How can I be fierce without coming off as aggressive?

Dear Grace,

How can I be fierce about girls and women’s healthcare rights without coming off as aggressive? I live in a small county in Florida and am done with talking the talk without walking the walk. It feels like so much is at stake and I’m ready to do something about it.

– Fierce in Florida

Dear Fierce,

This question has me feeling fierce! I think most women can relate to your dilemma and how hard it is to find that elusive (*cough* nearly impossible) sweet spot where people take you seriously without labeling you as intense, aggressive, or shrill. That old sexist double standard—that confident, passionate women are “aggressive” while men are “charismatic”—is annoying, and honestly just boring at this point. The good news is, society changes as we do and I’ve seen this norm start to evolve before my eyes.

With more women leading and succeeding in all parts of life–sports, art, science, and public service, to name a few–we’re getting better at appreciating, instead of criticizing, their passion. It sounds like you’re pretty confident in what you believe, but for other readers who may still be figuring things out, I want to say: you don’t have to be an expert or a champion of your cause to speak up or have an opinion. We all deserve the space (and grace from our community) to share our ideas and talk about the issues impacting our lives.

Here’s some advice for how to help others understand and appreciate your point of view:

Share your ‘why.’ One of the best ways to help others understand your views on women’s healthcare is to explain why it means so much to you. What personal experiences or values are behind your passion? Was there a “lightbulb” moment in your life that changed your approach to this issue? Your ‘why’ isn’t about poking holes in the other side’s argument, it’s totally about you and what has brought you here. You’ll find that even folks who might disagree with you can better appreciate your ideas when they know your story. 

Get involved. I hear how much you value ‘walking the walk,’ and agree that the best way to show your passion is by doing something about it. Even in your small town, there is plenty that you can do! Start by finding out what laws are on the books in your state to get a better idea of what the issue looks like close to home. So much organizing these days can happen virtually—consider volunteering to stuff envelopes or make calls for an organization championing women’s healthcare. If there are local projects going on, you may also be able to help knock on doors or even drop off water to volunteers out supporting your cause.

Don’t count your community out. It sounds like you feel like you might be alone in your community when it comes to how you feel about women’s healthcare and reproductive rights. You know your community better than I do, but remember that not everyone has the confidence in their convictions that you do. I hear from women all of the time who are sure that they’re alone in their experience or in their opinions and I can tell you—you’re never alone. Keep your mind open to the idea that you might find some unlikely allies in the place you least expect them. If you need some help having this conversation in a constructive (and kind!) way, check out my advice for another Florida reader. 

I really applaud you for “walking the walk,” Fierce. It’s one thing to hold a set of values and believe in them, it’s another to take action and try to leave the world—or just a slice of it—better than you found it. As for the folks who may disagree or find your ferocity aggressive or off putting, my advice is to let that go. Following your internal compass isn’t always going to be the easiest or most popular course of action, but you can trust that making an impact is well worth a little noise from naysayers. Best of luck!

Passionately,

Grace