How do I deal with my family’s political differences?
Dear Grace,
The next six or seven months until November are going to be so stressful among my siblings with the Biden Trump election. My four siblings and I have very, very different and profound beliefs in these elections and it has been a trigger for all of us. My friends as well. How do I navigate this?
– Family peacekeeper in Ft. Lauderdale
Dear Family Peacekeeper,
Reading your note, I can really feel your anxiety and this sense of dread at what the next few months hold in store for you and your family. Even though this tension isn’t new, knowing what lies ahead is stressful and I admire you for wanting to get ahead of it. Fortunately for you (though unfortunately for our nation), your concerns aren’t unique—there are lots of families that are struggling to find common ground when it seems like public discussion is constantly focused on where we differ.
From where I sit, the danger of the polarization we’re experiencing as Americans is how easily we forget how human we all are—we all want to spend time with friends, gather around the dinner table with family, and provide for the people we love. No matter your party, we all want to live in an America that lives up to its promise as a land of opportunity. We want safe communities for our kids, good education to help them succeed, and the resources to lift themselves up if they fall on hard times.
The reality, Peacekeeper, is that this divide isn’t going to go away overnight. We’ve got a long way to go to repair our trust in each other, and sometimes problems at this scale can feel too big to solve—but I think that by taking this one family at a time, we can reach real common ground. Here is my advice for holding onto your loved ones, your values, and your cool this year:
Name the elephant in the room. I’ve had my fair share of disagreements (big and small) with my own family and one thing I’ve learned is that sweeping it under the rug or pretending those tensions don’t exist is not a solution. If you go the route of ignoring the issue, you’ll end up walking on eggshells instead of being present with each other—making it impossible to connect authentically and driving you all further apart. Addressing the elephant in the room doesn’t have to be scary or confrontational—simply remind your loved ones that, while this is a divisive season and you know you have your differences, you love them and always will. If you’re concerned that this conversation will be hard to have with your siblings, practice first with someone you trust for support.
Decide on ground rules. You can set boundaries about when, where and how to talk about the election while still acknowledging your differences of opinion. No one likes to see their family fight, and beyond being unpleasant, tense family dynamics can even set off our internal fight or flight system—which is stressful! Make a list of the things that trigger your stress, Peacekeeper, because these triggers will be the start of your family’s ground rules. Some that I’ve found helpful are:
- No name-calling or bad-mouthing candidates (or each other!)
- No eye rolling or “humph-ing” when someone makes a comment
- No sending posts or articles in the family email thread or group chat
- No yelling or storming out
- No ‘comment wars’ on each other’s social media posts
- No gloating post-election
These ground rules give you the space to talk about things that matter to all of you without the conversation turning into an all-out argument. You’ll see that all of these rules are simple enough for kindergarteners to understand and boil down to being considerate of others’ feelings and using kind words.
It also helps to keep some perspective—voting on a president every four years has been the American way for hundreds of years. Remind your loved ones that, no matter how they feel about this year’s results, they’ll have another chance to change things in 4 more years. Democracy only works when we all protect it—which means accepting the outcome and continuing to show up as engaged citizens (and family members)!
Speak from the heart. Now that you’ve established that your priority: loving and respecting each other, you can actually talk about some of the things on your mind this year. It may take time to feel relaxed having conversations about topics you might disagree on, but practice makes progress. Here are some tips to guide you through those discussions while managing your stress level:
- Ask open-ended questions. It’s easy to assume we know what’s behind someone’s words, but the only way we can really know is by being curious.
- Acknowledge where you agree. Don’t miss a chance to recognize your common ground and shared values—even if we agree on the problem but not the solution, saying that out loud helps us remember that we’re all on the same team.
- Share your perspective. Use “I” statements to share how you feel about the topic at hand.
I realize that having a respectful, honest conversation about the election and issues you care about might sound unrealistic right now, but I promise that it’s not as impossible as it might seem. As human beings, we are hard-wired for connection and the division we’re feeling right now is going against our most basic instincts. It may be a long road ahead, but I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck!
Grace