How do I get my kids to listen to me?

Dear Grace,

So I’m a mama and I’m not sure I’m doing anything right. My boys don’t listen to ANYTHING me or their dad says. We spank them, but we don’t like to and try to avoid it. It seems like we are ALWAYS yelling at them. I’m so stressed and tired, how do I get them to listen without yelling so much? I mean, they are only 5 and 3 years old but SERIOUSLY. Help a mama out pretty please!

– Glorified Zookeeper in Georgia

Dear Glorified Zookeeper,

You’re not the only parent to feel like they can’t seem to get it right. In fact, if you were confident that your parenting was a 10/10, I might worry that something was actually very wrong.

Let’s get one thing straight: having two kids under five is a challenge for anyone—even Mary Poppins would break a sweat trying to keep the trains running on time. Instead of beating yourself up, remember that no one is perfect and there isn’t one right way to parent. Give yourself some space to breathe, make mistakes, and learn from them. 

Recognizing that you want things to be different for your family is the important first step to making it happen. Here’s the next couple:

Make a game plan. You and your husband are teammates and need to be on the same page. Sit down together and talk about what your main concerns are about your boys’ behavior and what your goals are. Don’t be afraid to start small—if dinner time tends to turn into a food fight, set a goal to have 30 minutes of calm at the dinner table. Do some research on effective parenting habits and techniques, beyond yelling and spanking. Consider time-outs or taking away privileges as consequences for bad behavior. Once the two of you zero in on the priorities you want to address, you can decide on an approach that you are both committed to. 

Consistency is key. Let me warn you, Zookeeper, time-outs are not for the faint of heart. Once you decide it’s time for a time-out, both you and dad have to be 100% committed to making it happen so that the boys learn that ignoring your instructions has consequences. Likewise, with taking away privileges: if you say they’re losing screen time “forever” then you have to be prepared to back that up. So set reasonable punishments for all of your sakes! And if you’re not sure what an expert level time-out looks like, get the tutorial from the time-out queen herself, SuperNanny.

Set an example. If you want your kids to communicate respectfully and listen, it’s on you and dad to model that behavior. That means taking the time to listen to them when they’re feeling upset and keeping your voice down when you talk to them. Also, pay attention to how you and dad talk to each other and resolve conflicts. Kids are always watching and learning. It takes a little extra effort and brain power sometimes, but also a good chance to pass down better habits.

Being overwhelmed and exhausted all of the time is not sustainable for anyone, not even a zookeeper. As the boys’ behavior gets easier to manage, consider finding ways to give you and your husband a little time to yourselves each week. Move bedtime up by a half hour; switch off who does bath time; or call in a friend to babysit for a date night. The important thing is to give yourself a little space away from the chaos that even the best-behaved young kids tend to create. It will give you the downtime you need to recharge and be an even better mom. 

With hope and heart,

Grace