I’ve been a SAHM for years. Is it time to go back to school?
Dear Grace,
So I have been living with my significant other for 12 years. Recently he started a new job. We have 2 children (1 from my previous marriage and 1 together) who are 10 and 16. I’ve been on the fence about going back to school to be able to increase income when I do eventually go back to work. The struggle is that both of my children have disabilities as does my partner. I do SO much here and every time I think I can pull myself away, something happens that pulls me right back. I want to put the time and energy into myself for the first time since my oldest child was born, but I’m worried that everything will fall apart if I do. I had my oldest removed from my care because they didn’t understand his disability as a baby. And while several things have changed in 16 years, I’m still nervous that the 3 of them can’t handle the house and it will all fall apart again. How do you know when they can handle it? Should I take the leap and go back to school?
– Worried in Wisconsin
Dear Worried,
What an exciting moment, Worried! Even though it’s stressful, going back to school and restarting your career is a big deal that you deserve to feel proud of. I also get why you’re feeling nervous—you’re the sun in your family’s solar system! That’s both a huge responsibility and a beautiful role that you’re able to play for them. I can hear how much you care and worry about not being there, and after everything you’ve been through, I can’t fault you for feeling nervous about taking a step in a different direction.
Remember that your past doesn’t determine your future, Worried. This is a big transition and might take some time to get ‘right,’ but I’ve got some advice to help you get there:
Get specific. I hear you saying that you’re afraid of things “falling apart” again, but in order to move forward with a real solution, you need to get specific. Which of the balls that you regularly juggle do you worry might fall? This could be mealtimes, school or activity pick up, getting homework done, maintaining the house, or remembering a slew of appointments and dates. There is a lot involved in running a house with two kids and a partner, so the more specific you can get about what you’re nervous about and maybe willing to hand off, the better you can prepare your husband and kids to take on some of that responsibility.
If your family’s disabilities keep them from stepping up in the way that you would need to devote a few hours a week to your studies, then you may need to think about getting some caregiving help—either from a professional or a trusted loved one. If the cost of childcare is stressing you out, take some time to see what kind of support you and your family are eligible for. There are national and state programs out there to help families like yours make ends meet and keep kids healthy, happy and safe.
Take it in baby steps. Once you’ve figured out what you’re most concerned about, talk to your husband and come up with a plan to pass off some of your responsibilities for a few weeks of practice, that way you can see how things go before you’re under pressure to get to class. Depending on your kids’ ability, maybe they can help too—even things like picking out their clothes or starting their homework at a certain time each afternoon can make a difference.
If you give it a try and feel like it’s too hectic, don’t get discouraged. Check back in with your husband about what didn’t work and consider starting with a smaller step. You’ve been running things for so long, it might take your family some time to master your level of mom-skill.
Once you’re all confident in your adjusted responsibilities, the next baby step would be enrolling in a class or two, or consider starting with an online course for even more flexibility. Give yourself a semester with a low course load to avoid getting overwhelmed. Starting slow so that the whole family has time to adjust will set you all up for success (and keep the stress levels down!).
Don’t leave any money on the table. I have to pause to give you a round of applause for investing in yourself! It’s not easy to go back to school, especially with two kiddos and so much going on at home. As you get ready to restart student life, make sure that you don’t leave any money or support on the table–there are government-funded programs to help you cover the cost of classes, any childcare you might need, and even tax credits that you could be eligible for. Ask your local community college or wherever you are hoping to take classes about their recommendations for local scholarships or grant opportunities. You might be surprised at what you find!
So many people struggle to invest in themselves and build a strong future for their families because they’re already stretched thin just getting by. It doesn’t feel fair that parents like you are often forced to choose between caring for their kids and building a career to support their family in the long term.
I can tell that this new chapter has been a long time coming, Worried, and even though it’s going to come with its own challenges, you deserve the time and investment that you’ve poured into your family. I believe with 100% certainty that you can do this if you put your mind to it. Sending my love and support!
Grace