How do I get the guy I’m seeing to put a little more effort into romance?

Dear Grace,

I’m dating a divorced dad, and he’s a little low-effort. Our last date was gas station beer, corn nuts, and…you-know-what. I liked the last part, but the first part wasn’t a great warm-up.

How can I give him gentle encouragement to be more romantic?

– Not There Yet in Provo

Dear Not There Yet in Provo,

First of all, I hear you. Gas station beer and corn nuts might be fine in a pinch, but it’s understandable to want more romance, more care, and more intention. Many women wonder whether they should just be “easygoing” or speak up. So let’s get one thing straight: it is okay to want more than a low-effort hookup.

Get clear on what you want.

Before you talk to him, take a moment to get honest with yourself. What do you want from dating right now? Are you hoping for an emotional connection and a long-term relationship? Or are you okay with something casual as long as it includes thoughtful dates and a bit of romance? Do you want to see each other once a week or once a month? Is your ideal date a dozen roses and a hotel room…or dinner and a movie? Sometimes women get put down for wanting “too much” or for wanting a purely physical relationship. I’m here to tell you that as long as you’re being respectful and safe, it’s okay to want whatever you want.

Tell him what you like and what you want more of.

When you do talk to him, lead with warmth, not criticism. Tell him what you enjoy about him and what’s been working so far. Then gently say what you’d like more of. Depending on how hands-on he is as a father, he might not have all of the free time or all of the money in the world to sweep you off your feet. But romance doesn’t have to be expensive. No matter his situation, he can certainly put in more effort. A walk in the evening under the moon, a picnic at sunset, or a handwritten card can go a long way. Tell him what you want directly, clearly, and with kindness. If he’s willing to try, you’ll see it. If he isn’t, that tells you something important.

Know when to walk away.

This is the hard part, but it matters most. What boundaries are you willing to set in dating? If he truly wants a casual, no-effort arrangement and you don’t, you have a choice to make. You cannot teach someone to want more if they don’t. Walking away is not a failure. It’s self-respect. You deserve the kind of relationship that meets your needs, not one that leaves you feeling small or unsatisfied.

You don’t need to twist yourself into knots hoping he’ll guess your needs. A grown man can hear the truth. And if the truth scares him off, he wasn’t offering what you were looking for anyway. If all he’s offering is bare-minimum effort and convenience, remember—you’re perfectly capable of taking care of yourself (if you know what I mean). Dating should add something to your life, not leave you settling for crumbs. I hope that after you talk to him, he can amp up the romance! We’ll be keeping our fingers crossed for you. 

Love,

Grace