How do I make new friends as an adult?

Dear Grace,

Hi Grace, 

I need to find a group of friends so I can socialize. My husband works, has dinner, and watches TV until he falls asleep. I’m looking for friendship and some fun. I want to experience new things and get out of the house. Any ideas?

– Ready for Fun in Massachusetts

Dear Ready for Fun,

Making friends as a grown woman is hard. Not because something is wrong with you. Because nobody builds it into our lives anymore. In school, you saw the same faces every single day whether you wanted to or not. That is how friendships grow: same people, same place, over and over. Adult life strips all that out and hands you a job and a couch.

So you are not behind, and you are not odd. You are one of millions of women sitting in a quiet living room at eight o’clock, wondering this exact thing. And let me say one more thing plainly: no husband can fill the role of a whole social world. Wanting people of your own is not a complaint about him. It is healthy.

Pick something that repeats.

A one-time event almost never turns into a friendship. You need the same room and the same faces on a schedule. Start with your public library. It costs nothing, nearly every town has one, and most branches run book clubs, craft nights, classes, and talks. Walk in and ask the front desk for the events calendar. Or, try looking up volunteer opportunities. Go to VolunteerMatch.org, type in your zip code, and choose something weekly instead of a one-day thing. Show up beside the same women for two months, and you will know their kids’ names.

Be the one who asks.

Here comes the part nobody likes. Somebody has to go first, and that somebody is you. When you meet a woman you click with, do not wait around for her to call you. Say it right there: “I really enjoyed talking with you. Want to grab coffee next week?” Then hand her your number. Yes, it feels bold. It is bold. But most women are just as hungry for a friend as you are, and they are all waiting on somebody brave enough to ask first.

Let it be awkward.

You will hear some no’s. Some women will seem lovely and then never text back. That stings. It does not prove you are unlikable. It proves grown women are busy. Making friends works like a muscle. It aches the first few times, and then it doesn’t. So keep your reps up. Say hello to the woman next to you in class. Ask her one question. Next week, ask her one more. Every small try makes the next try easier.

You deserve a life with your own people in it. Go get them. Start this week, because the library calendar is free and Tuesday is as good a day as any.

Love, 

Grace