I’m not in love with my husband anymore. How do I get the passion back?

Dear Grace,

I love my husband, but I am not in love with him anymore. How can I turn those feelings around and be “in love” again? I know people say that love grows stronger over time; I am not feeling it. I have no romantic feelings anymore. I want to get the “passion” back!

– Lonely Wife in Louisville

Dear Lonely,

Oh, friend! You just wrote the sentence a whole lot of women think and never say out loud. I love him. I’m not in love with him. You are not the only one. Women write to me about this every single month. Loyal women in strong marriages, to men they would not trade for anything.

Here is what nobody tells you at the wedding: that fizzy, butterflies, can’t-stop-grinning feeling doesn’t always last forever. Sometimes it burns hot at first, but then settles into something quieter later. But quiet does not have to mean empty, and warmth can come back. 

Go easy on yourself. 

You did nothing wrong. Marriages have seasons. Some moments you feel like sweethearts. Some moments you feel like two roommates splitting the electric bill. That is very normal. There is no need to beat yourself up about how your feelings have changed. You did the right thing by being honest with yourself and asking for help. So set the guilt down. You are telling yourself the truth, and the truth is where every good thing starts.

Talk to him, gently.

Getting the “passion” back in your marriage is a group project, not one for you to carry alone. You do not have to say “I’m not in love with you.” That lands like a brick through a window. Try this instead: “I miss us. I want to feel close to you again. Can we work on that together?” That is not a complaint. That is an invitation. He might just exhale and say, “me too.” Working as a team to bring the spark back into your marriage is a great start to feeling closer.

Experience new things together.

Passion does not come back on the same couch, watching the same show, at the same nine o’clock. It comes back when you two do something new. New is the whole trick. Your brain treats new like the early days, back when he was too nervous to ask you out, or you doodled his name in your notebook.

So take a class. Drive to a town neither of you has seen. Learn to two-step in the kitchen. Schedule date nights for you to try new things together. Whether that’s a new food, a new hobby, or a new game to play at home! Ask him real questions again, the way you did at the start. The Gottman Institute built a free card deck app with over a thousand questions for couples. Download it and pull one at dinner. 

Lonely, wanting more from your marriage does not make you ungrateful. It makes you honest. Some couples find their way back on their own. Some bring in a counselor to help them do it. Whichever you choose, neither one means you failed. You deserve a marriage that feels like more than a shared to-do list, Lonely. Be patient with yourself. Be honest with him. That is how the door swings open.

With hope,

Dear Grace