I like this guy but I can’t get past his bad teeth. Should I end it?

Dear Grace,

I’ve recently hit it off with this guy online. We have mutual friends so I know he is legit. We finally talked on FaceTime. I noticed he didn’t really smile very big. I then noticed it was his teeth. There are some missing it seems. I really like this guy but I can’t get past the teeth. How do I tell him? He wants to travel to my state to meet me.

– Tooth-Shy in Texas

Dear Tooth-Shy,

 How fantastic that you’ve hit it off with someone online (and that you know that he’s “legit,” too!) Apps or no apps, the old saying “You can’t judge a book by its cover” is still true. Dental care is expensive and at the end of the day, it’s the real-life chemistry and care that makes a relationship work. . .or not.

I appreciate you knowing yourself well enough to understand what you can’t get past—and your concern about giving him false hope. I have a few suggestions to help you decide if this is something you can work through or if it’s time to move on.

First, get some background.

You mentioned that you have mutual friends, so before you talk to him, I would suggest you call a friend you trust and find out if they can share any information about his dental situation. You can be honest: You really like him, but you’ve noticed the missing teeth and are wondering what the story is and if this is something he discusses openly. This could be a sensitive subject for him, and your mutual friend may have ideas that will help you to have an honest conversation that doesn’t leave him feeling self-conscious or defensive. Maybe he is saving up to fix them! Dental care can be expensive in this country, perhaps it is a financial goal for him.

Reflect on your priorities.

It’s perfectly normal to have a response to what your date looks like—whether it’s butterflies at their beautiful eyes or a double take at their missing teeth. But if you are looking for someone to share your life with long term, know that looks come and go (and so do teeth!). If you are looking for something casual, it might make sense to move on and find someone who immediately puts hearts in your eyes. But if you’re looking for true love, consider what you have to gain by pushing past it.

Meet him in person.

There’s no way of knowing how someone will show up from a video chat. They may be shorter or taller or smell differently than you imagine (and so might you). If you don’t meet, you’re closing this potentially beautiful chapter in your life before it even begins. If you’re worried he’ll come all that way and you still won’t be able to get over his teeth, offer to meet in the middle or find a time when one of you can combine it with a visit to see other friends so it doesn’t feel like so much pressure is on the meet-up. If after meeting in person you still don’t feel you can get past the gaps in his smile, it sounds like you have enough in common that you could be friends.

A successful relationship isn’t one with no issues,  it’s one where both partners can address the inevitable issues with respect and compassion. What seems like a possible deal-breaker to you today, Tooth-Shy, could become the first discussion that makes you both stronger in the future. And if you decide that this relationship isn’t for you (for this reason or any other) know that there are other fish in the sea for the both of you. 

With love and hope,

Grace