I love my adult children and my husband, but I’m feeling lonely. Is this normal?

Dear Grace,

My husband and I have been together for 40 years. The children are now adults with children of their own. When we were younger, we did a lot of things together. Now that we’re older, we have very different interests. We spend meal times together and watch a little television. But, the rest of the day we spend doing our own thing. There’s not much romance either. We’re both retired and mostly always at home.

Sometimes I feel lonely. I’ve lost family members with whom I spent time with in the past. My kids don’t check in with me much. They seem annoyed with me when I call too often. My spouse and I seem to have grown apart. Is this a normal progression or am I overreacting?

Sincerely,

Lonely in Philly

Dear Lonely,

First off, let me tell you—you are not overreacting. What you’re feeling is something so many women our age quietly carry, even if they don’t say it out loud. Nearly 1 in 3 adults over 50 feel lonely on a regular basis, and women are more likely than men to report it. You’ve spent decades taking care of your family, your marriage, your home—and now the quiet feels heavy. It makes sense you’d feel lonely. That doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means you’re ready for new ways to find connection.

What you’re feeling is more common than you think.

Loneliness is far more common than you might think, especially for women in their 50s, 60s, and beyond. And while your kids love you, adult children are juggling jobs, parenting, and stress, so they don’t always have the energy to check in as often as we’d like. That doesn’t mean you’re not loved—it means this stage of life calls for new ways to get that connection you deserve. Loneliness is common, but it can change.

Find new ways to spend time with your husband.

It’s natural for a marriage to change over 40 years. The romance may not look the same, but that doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. Couples who keep trying new activities together are happier and feel closer. Talk to your husband about how you’re feeling, and brainstorm a list of new things to try together. You don’t have to go skydiving or anything fancy. Start small—cook a new meal together, take a walk at sunset, or try eating dinner with the TV off. You may be surprised how much warmth can grow from tiny shared moments (check out more of my advice on spending quality time with your spouse).

Build your own circle, outside of your family.

While your marriage and your grown children are important, they can’t be your only source of connection. Friendships and community can bring fresh joy into your days. Try joining a local community service group, a book club, or a senior center (check out this advice column on building community!). Volunteering even a few hours a week can make you feel useful and bring new people into your life. Check out my advice for how to find what you care about and make a difference. Studies show that older adults who stay socially active are healthier and feel less lonely. Even one new friend can make a big difference.

You asked if what you’re feeling is “normal.” The truth is yes—it’s normal, but that doesn’t mean it has to stay this way. Loneliness is real, but it’s not permanent. You’ve spent your life taking care of others—now it’s time to put some of that care toward yourself. By reaching out, trying new things, and inviting your husband and others into fresh kinds of connection, you can bring new light into this season of your life.

With encouragement,

Grace