I want to help out with my new grandbaby, but I feel like I’m in the way. What should I do?

Dear Grace,

My daughter and son in law just had their first baby and I went to visit for a few days once they brought the baby home to help out. I kept getting the feeling that I was annoying them or being a bother by being there. I don’t want to be insensitive but I expected that they would be grateful for the help. Am I intruding?

– Nana in New Mexico

Dear Nana,

Congratulations on your new grandchild!

I can tell that you want your daughter to have all the support she needs as a new mom. I admire that you went out there so soon, ready to pitch in.  As a mom, you know as well as I do that, when it comes to parenting (especially when it’s a first), all bets are off. I’m sorry to hear that your first visit was a little rocky, but don’t stress—I’ve got some suggestions to make future visits feel less awkward. 

Don’t stress too much. First, don’t read too much into your last visit. Remember your own early days of parenthood: feeling  anxious, overwhelmed, and oh so very, very tired? What may have seemed like tense or curt behavior from your daughter and son-in-law may have had nothing to do with you. I hear that you’re feeling a little unappreciated but, as hard as it is, try not to take it personally right now.  

Put the ball in their court. The best way to make sure your presence is a help and not a stressor is to let them dictate the plans. Tell them that you’d love to come again, but only if it’s helpful for you to visit. Stress to them that no answer is going to hurt your feelings, you only want to do what’s best for them. Ask what dates would be best, what kind of support they most need from you when you’re there, and if there is room at the house or if it would be better to get a hotel. This will also give them the opportunity to think about what would give them the most relief, which could give you all the chance to more fully enjoy the time together. 

Take your cues from the new parents. Next time you visit, look to the parents for the daily routine. It may be that your way of doing things is different from how they want to do them, but they’re having a hard time saying so. Feel free to ask them, “What works best for you?” or “Is there a special way you would like me to do this?” This will allow them to feel comfortable telling you if they do have any preferences. It could also open up a chance for deeper conversation about what they’re going through. As new parents, they may be sensitive about suggestions for doing something differently, so make it clear that you recognize it’s their house, their rules, and you’re here to help. 

This is such an exciting time for you and your family! Your willingness to help and your self-reflection in writing to me make it clear that you’re going to be an amazing grandmother and I’m so excited for the wonderful years ahead of you all!

With love and joy,

Grace