I’m a single mom, and I’m exhausted. Am I failing my boys?

Dear Grace,

I’m a single mom of 2 little boys, 5 and 7 years old. My oldest boy has special needs and struggles with having meltdowns. The little one has started copying his older brother, throwing big fits. I’m trying so hard to keep my cool, be patient, and hold it all together. Between getting my older son the special education at his school, teaching my younger son that there are different expectations for each of them, and trying to make sure they get along and love each other, I just feel like I’m failing. Not to mention getting enough hours at work, keeping track of doctors’ appointments, cooking and keeping the apartment clean. 

It feels like my to-do list never ends, I’m exhausted all the time, and I’m at my wits’ end, so stressed out and overwhelmed. I just want to give my boys the best life and to be the best mom to them, but I’m barely holding it together.

Any advice for a struggling single mom?

– Physically and Emotionally Exhausted in Phoenix

Dear Physically and Emotionally Exhausted,

First of all—you’re not failing. Not even close. And you’re not alone in feeling worn out and overwhelmed. Every day, millions of moms across this country are doing exactly what you’re doing: holding down a job, managing appointments, keeping the house running, and pouring every last drop of themselves into their kids. Doing it without a coparent to help? Even harder. 

I understand why you’re exhausted, here are a few things I hope can help:

Cut yourself some slack and focus on the wins.

Anyone who has been a mom can tell you that there is a lot of pressure to be “the perfect mom.” You’re not alone in feeling stressed out that you can’t live up to it. But here’s a secret: there’s no such thing as a perfect mom—not on TV, not on social media, not next door. So when your to-do list doesn’t get done, please don’t use it as proof that you’re failing. You’re not. At the end of the day, try this instead: write down three things you did well. You got both boys to school. You remembered the doctor’s appointment. You held it together when things got hard. Your wins are real, and they deserve your attention just as much as the undone dishes do. Self-compassion isn’t a luxury—it’s what keeps you going. Treat yourself with the same kindness you treat your sons, because you deserve it too.

Find people who get it—and ask for their help.

Have you heard the saying “it takes a village to raise a child”? Well, it sounds like you need to build your village! Start close to home: a neighbor, a family member, a friend.

Ask them to watch the boys for an hour or drop off a meal. Most people want to help—they just need to be asked. Then look a little wider. Single Mom groups can provide nanny shares, parenting advice, or even just a safe place to vent. And groups for parents of children with disabilities can be really helpful for getting advice on how to handle meltdowns or getting services for a special needs child. Not sure where to start? Check out these resources:

• Search “single moms group” and your location in Facebook or MeetUp
• Check out virtual support groups for single parents or moms of kids with disabilities at ParentsHelpingParents.org 
• Ask your local librarian about programming for parents! Well-funded libraries can have workshops, gatherings, events for kids and families, and childcare resources

Choose connection over perfection.

Your boys won’t remember whether the laundry was folded. They’ll remember the laughs, the inside jokes, the times you got on the floor and played with them, even when you were tired. The best thing you can do for your boys isn’t to maintain a spotless apartment—it’s to show up as the most rested, relaxed version of yourself, no matter how messy life feels. When you’ve had a moment to breathe, you can meet them with humor and love. So let some things go. The mess will wait.

Here’s something that doesn’t get said enough: what you do every day is real work. Feeding your boys, keeping them safe, getting them to appointments, teaching them right from wrong—you are part of the “care economy.” It’s the work that holds families together, mostly done by women, rarely thanked. You deserve support. Asking for help isn’t a weakness, it’s wisdom.

You are not failing, Physically and Emotionally Exhausted. You are doing one of the hardest jobs there is, with love and grit, every single day. Your boys are lucky to have you.

With admiration,

Grace