I’m a single mom. How do I balance working, taking care of my aging mother, and my daughter?

Dear Grace,

I’m a single mom and now am taking care of my elderly mother too. She originally moved in to help me take care of my daughter, but her health has declined, and now she’s in a wheelchair and needs a lot of help. Thank goodness my daughter started school this year, but I’m still so overwhelmed. I don’t know how to work full time, be a single mom, and take care of my mom. I don’t want to put my mom in a home, but I don’t know what to do.

– Might Explode from Stress in Minneapolis

Dear Might Explode,

Oh, friend! No wonder you feel like you might explode. You are holding up a whole family with your own two hands. That is enormous. And you are not the only one carrying it.

You’re part of what they call the “sandwich generation,” squeezed between caring for aging parents and kids. All over this country, women are doing the same math you are, at midnight, with a mountain of laundry beside them. You are not alone.

Here’s the truth: you cannot do this by yourself, and you shouldn’t have to. So let’s get you some help.

Gather your paperwork and make a calendar.

First, carve out a little time every week (even just an hour) to get organized. Grab a notebook. Write down your family schedule and your full to-do list. Every appointment, every medication time, every pickup and drop-off. Gather your pay stubs, your mom’s diagnosis paperwork, her insurance cards. Getting your family calendar and paperwork together will make it much easier to get help. This is a hard first step, but will be worth the time it takes.

Make some calls.

Next, look into the resources your state already has waiting for you. These are programs we all pay into, built for moms in exactly your shoes.

• For your mom, call Minnesota’s Aging Pathways. They can connect you to a social worker who can help figure out what caretaking programs are right for you to apply to. They can even get you paid hourly to do caretaking for her.
• If you’re looking for afterschool childcare for your daughter, check out Minnesota’s childcare assistance program here, look into afterschool childcare through the Minnesota Department of Education, and reach out directly to her public school’s guidance counselor. Between those three resources, you are sure to get some help!
• If your one paycheck isn’t quite stretching to cover bills for all three people in your household, apply for state support here.

Put the word out and get creative.

While you wait to hear back from the programs you’ve applied for, it’s time to ask your “village” for help. Post in your neighborhood Facebook groups, ask other parents at your daughters’ school, talk to your neighbors. By coming together with other moms in your town, you will be lightening the load for everyone! Here are a few ideas of what to ask for:

• “Are there any retirees in the neighborhood who would be open to checking on my mom once a day? She’s wonderful to chat with…she just needs to be reminded to take her medicine.”
• “Are there any moms in the neighborhood who would be open to alternating after-school care? I can take both of our kids on Tuesdays but am hoping I can send my daughter to a neighbor’s house after school on Thursdays.”
• “Does anyone in this Facebook group have experience getting home care through Medicaid? My elderly mom needs more support, but I’d love some help figuring out the paperwork. Can I buy you a coffee to ask for your advice on this?”

Might Explode, you are doing something so hard, and doing it with so much love. But love doesn’t run on empty, and neither do you. Once the paperwork’s in and your village starts showing up, promise me you’ll give yourself space to feel what you’re feeling. Watching your mom decline while you hold everything else together—that’s heavy. Your heart needs care too.

You are not alone. Help is out there, and you deserve it.

Love,

Grace