My brother and husband argue about politics. How can I keep the peace at Thanksgiving?

Dear Grace,

I usually host a big Thanksgiving for my family, and with the elections that just happened, I am worried that my husband and my brother are going to argue about politics all day. With the election that just happened and their different views, there is plenty for them to fight about. I’m dreading it. 

I’m not very political, but of course I do my part to vote and pay attention to what’s happening in my town and local elections. But I don’t even share my views when they get to arguing, I just try to keep the peace. 

I’m worried that the holidays will turn into a yelling match, which nobody wants. My husband doesn’t seem worried, but I am. Should I skip hosting this year? I don’t like being caught in the middle.

– Worried and Weary in Wisconsin

Dear Worried and Weary,

You are not alone. After an election, lots of families are bracing for tense holiday meals. It makes sense that you feel stuck in the middle. But you don’t have to skip hosting. If you’re wondering how to avoid politics at Thanksgiving, here’s the truth: you may not be able to avoid it completely, but you can keep it from turning into a fight. The key is to talk to your husband and brother ahead of time.

Here’s how:

Set ground rules before the big day.

Call or text them both this week. Tell them you’re glad they care about what’s happening in our country. Then explain that you want Thanksgiving to be about family and respectful conversation. Share a few ground rules, and ask if they’d like to add any. Some ideas: no yelling, no storming out, no name-calling, and no bad-mouthing candidates or each other. Ask another family member to back you up on the day. You don’t need to ban politics. But the more people reminding them to mind their manners, the less pressure there is on you.

Ask thoughtful questions.

If politics comes up, get curious instead of tense. Asking questions slows things down, invites more people into the discussion, and helps people feel heard. Try: “What made you feel that way?” or “What do you hope happens next in our town?” Questions like these can turn the temperature down and bring the conversation back to what is going on locally.

Point out what you agree on.

If your husband and brother are the only voices, things can heat up fast. So add your two cents. You don’t have to be a “political person” to share your thoughts. We all have thoughts about the issues that impact our families. You can offer a third view, or just name what they already agree on:

• “It sounds like you both agree this economy is tough and prices are too high.”
• “It sounds like you both care about safety.”
• “I think we can all agree that in a country as rich as America, every child should be fed, clothed, and cared for.”

Know when to change the subject.

If talk stops being respectful, steer it somewhere else. Practice what you’ll say with another family member ahead of time: “It sounds like we need to agree to disagree. Let’s change the subject. Aunt Linda, how did your medical procedure go?” It’s your home and your holiday. As the host, you’re allowed to guide the conversation away from rough waters.

Worried and Weary, keeping the peace shouldn’t fall only on you. With a plan, a helper, and a few kind ground rules, your table can still be a place where everyone feels welcome. For more tips, read my advice to Family Peacekeeper in Ft. Lauderdale. I hope your Thanksgiving is full of good food, good company, and gratitude.

Love,

Grace