I’m in a dark place. How do I find joy again?

Dear Grace,

I’m living with depression and grief. In the last year, I experienced two losses and had a really hard time during holidays, birthdays, Mother and Father’s Day. I just cry sometimes for days and it’s hard to come out of that dark place. I’ve been on a waiting list for a therapist for over a year, which only makes me feel more helpless. I need to find a way to keep my head above water, what do you suggest?

– Depressed in Dayton

Dear Depressed,

I’ve been where you are, and I know how futile everything can feel when you are working through grief and nothing seems to make it better. And while this is definitely a dark time, you’ve already taken an important step to bringing some light back into your life: asking for help. That’s a step that can be very scary for many of us, and I’m so proud that you took it. 

But I know when you’re grieving and depressed you need relief, not just compliments. So, here’s a few more steps you take today to get on the road to feeling better. 

Connect with a therapist online. Online therapy is a great way to get around the wait times so that you can find a professional on your schedule—and not someone else’s. Online therapy is quickly becoming a core way that we access important mental health care when we need it the most. Plus, it expands the pool of professionals you have to choose from, so you can find one who can not only help you process your grief and manage your depression, but who clicks with you, too. Finding someone you really want to work with will also help you to feel a better sense of control over the process. If you have insurance, check out Better Help, and Grow Therapy, or Open Path if you don’t have insurance. There are options! 

Seek connection. I’m not going to sugar coat it: grief is hard. We can’t do it alone. And during hard times we need connection, love, and support more than ever. When we’re experiencing depression, it can make the idea of being around people feel like the last thing we want, but connecting with others and being in community can help us process our feelings and find balance again. Although it’s hard, I encourage you to reach out to a friend, neighbor, or family member and make a plan to get out of the house. At a time when we feel at our most vulnerable and alone, even spending the night watching cooking shows with a friend can remind us that we are not. 

Plan new rituals. The holidays can be an obstacle course when you’re grieving, I know. Instead of dreading those days or suffering in silence at home, make a plan to spend those occasions in a way that honors the memory of your loved ones. For instance, on Father’s Day you could plan to do one of your dad’s favorite hobbies, eat his favorite meal, or call a sibling who is also missing him. New traditions can help keep his memory alive. 

If it’s too painful to celebrate holidays the way you used to, try mixing it up. If you always cooked a big dinner at home, this year, consider going out to a favorite restaurant instead. That way those traditions can remain a treasured memory, rather than a reminder of what’s missing in the present. 

I’m so glad you reached out to me. There is no way around grief, only a way through it. But most of us have been there and we are here to reach out a hand, and help pull you to the other side. Here are some words of wisdom and advice from other readers who’ve stood in your shoes:

“Give yourself a hug or place your hand over your heart and tell yourself that you are here and it’s OK to be sad. Talk to your mom and tell her what you are feeling and don’t hold back. Listen to your body, your mom hears you.“

“My advice is to allow yourself to feel. I give myself 1/2 hour to concentrate on feeling sad, crying if I feel like it, remembering our time together and then I say, “OK, now I need to live for both of us.” It makes me feel better and more at peace, and that happier mood usually lasts from 2-4 weeks. Then when I start feeling blue again I repeat the process. Instead of fighting the sadness, I embrace it and use it to move on.“

“I would just remember the good times, the jokes and silly things that y’all would do together. Smiles always make everyone feel better. When I remember the positive things and start to smile, the tears always dry up and I feel better. Best of luck my friend.“

“My heart grieves for you. Please stay strong. Time actually does heal all wounds. You will still hurt, but in time, the hurt eases. It will still hurt, and you’ll still long for your mom, but after a while it wont knock you down to the ground. Then you’ll be trying to cheer someone else up with encouraging words, like I am. Healing comes sooner than you think.“

Take a deep breath, Depressed, and remember that you’re not alone. We’ve all got your back and are sending you our hugs and well wishes. Want more advice on dealing with loss? Check out my response to Grieving in Green Bay.

With love and understanding,

Grace