My sister kept a secret from me and I don’t know why.

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Dear Grace, 

A few weeks ago I learned that my sister had an abortion a few years back and never told me. I heard it from a friend of hers who mentioned being there for her when she came home from the doctor, and was honestly shocked. I would never judge my sister for her decision but I was so hurt that she didn’t trust me enough to even tell me about it. We’ve always been close and as her older sister, I’ve always felt protective of her. How do I bring this up with her without making it seem like I invaded her privacy?

– Big Sister in Boise


Dear Big Sister, 

As a fellow big sister, my heart goes out to you. It’s painful to imagine our little siblings going through something hard, and even more to think that we weren’t there for support. At the end of the day, your sister’s choice of who to share (or not) with is hers alone, and you’ll have to respect her boundary if she decides that she wants to keep this experience private.

This is a delicate topic to bring up, so here are some tips to help you have that conversation:

Pick a good time and place. If your sister has never brought this up with you, it’s likely something she keeps pretty private. Pick a place where you can talk without being overheard or rushed. Keep in mind that she might be a little taken aback when you broach the topic, so give her some time to respond and be gentle. 

State your intentions. How you start this conversation sets the tone for how your sister will respond. Before you can ask any questions or share your feelings, acknowledge that she’s entitled to her privacy and express your intention so she understands where you’re coming from. If you’re struggling for the words, try something like this:

“I was talking to [friend’s name] and they mentioned being there for you after an abortion a few years ago. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, and I will respect your privacy no matter what you choose, but I wanted you to know that you can always come to me for support.” 

Keep things in perspective. I totally understand feeling hurt after learning that your sister didn’t confide in you all those years ago, but remember that it’s possible that her decision was not at all about you. Reproductive choices are incredibly personal and complex, and her decision to keep hers private likely has much more to do with her own comfort than it does with you. Unless she shares some reason why she didn’t feel like you were a safe source of support, try to avoid beating yourself up for something you can’t control. All we can ever do for one another is show up with respect, love, and compassion. 

If, on the other hand, you have a pattern of critiquing or judging your sister’s choices (as all older siblings have done from time to time), she might have worried that you would respond with negativity instead of support. This is a good chance to take stock of how you show up for loved ones and swap your “I told you so’s” for “I’m here for you’s.” 

While you will always be sisters, sisterhood changes and grows alongside you. Your relationship may not look the way it did when you were young—with you as the fierce protector and her always looking to you for guidance—but I can assure you that new chapters of your story can be just as beautiful. 

Sending all my love, 

Grace