Now that I’m a mom, my best friend and I have nothing in common. What should I do?

Dear Grace,

I feel like my childhood best friend and I aren’t on the same page. I have a one-year-old, and I just got pregnant with my second. My bestie’s idea of a perfect day is drinking at the lake and then going to the bar. My idea of a perfect day is going to the park with my daughter and then taking a nap.

She invites me to stuff I obviously can’t go to because I don’t drink and I’m too exhausted for a late night. But when I invite her over, she doesn’t come. She’s barely made an effort to get to know my daughter. I don’t want to drift apart, but I’m annoyed that she’s not making an effort. Advice?

– Over It in Ohio

Dear Over It,

Becoming a mom is a HUGE life change. I remember when my kids were little, I realized that overnight, everything had changed: how much sleep I needed, my schedule, what I ate, how I felt in my body, my identity, my relationship to my husband, and yes…my friendships. The old you (or the old dynamic with a friend) might not fit your new life. But that doesn’t mean the friendship needs to be over. 

Here’s my advice:

Put yourself in her shoes.

From your perspective, you’re exhausted, and she’s inviting you to do things you can’t muster the energy for. But when you say no over and over, it might feel to her like you don’t want to see her. From your perspective, you’re inviting her to spend time with your daughter, and she is turning you down. But from her perspective, she may feel hurt that she doesn’t get alone time with you anymore. Or maybe she’s not confident around kids yet and isn’t sure how to step into an Auntie role. 

Try not to assume she doesn’t care. She might just feel unsure and a little hurt, the same way you do. The mismatch of your lives is causing you stress, so in all likelihood, it’s causing her stress too.

Decide what you want to give, and what you need in return

Before you talk to her, think about what kind of friendship you can realistically offer right now. You can’t do her perfect day, and she can’t do yours, so try to find something in the middle. Can you find a babysitter one evening a month and meet her for a few hours, as long as it doesn’t turn into a late-night out? What about a midday iced tea by the lake every Saturday? Get clear on what works for your life with two kids, and figure out where you can compromise. It takes effort from your end and hers to stay close when you’re in such different seasons of life. What effort are you willing to put in?

Talk to her, and lead with how much you miss her

Don’t wait for her to bring this up first. Call her or sit down with her in person. Tell her you miss her and that your friendship matters to you. Then explain what your days actually look like right now, and ask what would work for her, too. Say something like, “I miss you, and I want us to find a way to hang out that works for both of us.” Give her a chance to share her side. She may not realize how tired you are, just like you may not realize she feels shut out.

Friendships take work from both people, especially through big life changes like a new baby. Having a child-free friend when you’re a mom is possible and can bring real joy, relief, and fresh perspective to your life. But it might take a little effort, a little compromise, and a lot of communication. You and your friend built something real over years, and it’s worth fighting for. 

Love,

Grace