I’m on the committee of my neighborhood association. How do I help the residents get along better?

Dear Grace,

I live in a retirement center, it’s my 1st year here. We have a Neighborhood Association, and I am Vice President of one of the committees. My problem is that some of the residents here do not get along. How can I help bring our community together?

– Caring in Kansas City

Dear Caring in Kansas City,

Good for you for stepping up and taking on a leadership role in your first year at the retirement center! It speaks volumes about your heart and your dedication to making the place you live a little bit brighter for everyone. One of the things I love about Galvanize Together subscribers is that we aren’t afraid to roll up our sleeves and get involved. 

Not everyone in the neighborhood has to be best friends, but creating a culture of respect and friendliness makes everyone’s lives better and more peaceful. Here are some suggestions to help you get rid of any high-school-style bullying and create a happier culture:

Gently interrupt rudeness, don’t tolerate hate.

Not everyone in your community is going to be best friends, but you can all be part of creating a friendly atmosphere. If your group is prone to gossip, steer the conversation in a more productive and positive direction. To say something in the moment, try saying, “Let’s keep it civil, everyone,” and change the subject. Your neighbors may never agree on everything, but everyone can agree to treat each other with respect. Setting a precedent of good old-fashioned manners will help everyone put their best foot forward.

That being said, Caring, there’s a big difference between your run-of-the-mill neighborhood drama and behavior that’s downright hateful. If you see behavior that goes beyond bad manners and really crosses the line (like discrimination, sexual harassment, or using slurs), take it as your sign to give your neighbors some tough love. Whether you’re the new kid on the block or have lived there for decades, it’s up to you to step in and show your neighbors that hatefulness has no place in your community. Work together with other residents to create and agree on guidelines (like no name-calling and no harassment), create a system for residents to report harassment, and look into bringing in an expert to train your neighbors to recognize harassment and interrupt it.

Reach out to anyone who is being excluded.

As a leader of the neighborhood association committee, you can help set expectations to create a culture of kindness and inclusivity. If you notice that group tensions are keeping someone a little on the “outs,” reach out and invite them to collaborate on something with you. We’ve all been the odd one out at some point, and know that even a small gesture goes a long way towards making someone feel welcome and interrupting unhealthy patterns that kept the neighborhood from coming together. By bringing in people who may be a little isolated, bullied, or excluded, you will be setting an example that in this neighborhood, we are kind to all.

Community is a team sport.

Finally, don’t feel like you have to do it all alone. A strong community isn’t built by one person—it’s a team effort. Talk to other residents about the tension you notice and get them on board with bringing the community together. Ask for input on how to create a friendlier environment, invite folks to help come up with ways to bring people together, and learn more about what activities folks are interested in…movie nights? Exercise classes? Happy hour? The more time folks spend together doing something fun, the more they will connect. And when everyone has a hand in making the community better, they feel more connected—and more invested in keeping it kind.

We all want to feel safe, respected, and like we belong. And while folks might have different opinions on how to get there, most people are just trying to enjoy their golden years in peace. With your compassion and commitment, you’re already helping make your retirement center a better place. Keep leading with heart, Caring—you’re doing a wonderful job.

With admiration,

Grace