I’m working from home, and never off the clock. How can I get my family to step up?

Dear Grace,

Dear Grace,
I am struggling with work/life balance. I work from home and I always feel as if I am working. Don’t even get the drive home to decompress. I have a she-shed in the back of my house where I do hair, so people are always coming and going and my kids are so inconsiderate and always let the dogs out or come and ask me questions or to get them this and that. The house is awful when I walk back inside. Even though I’ve been on my feet for 8+ hours, I have to walk into a mess and clean, cook and do laundry and am expected to be nice and smile about it.

I try to be a good mom and wife and friend and daughter and do the right thing for all of them. But I must say I am growing tired of the constant stress. I work after I work and then I work some more. I feel more like a glorified maid than a part of a family. I don’t get any help from anyone. Just expectations. We have 4 dogs and 3 cats and I have 2 kids and 1 grandkid and a husband to boot. they all are very different and the kids are 10 years apart 26 and 26 and my grandson is 6. I’m 46 and just thought at this point I’d have some of my life back. It’s only gotten harder and I feel myself ready to run. Help me please, I’m exhausted.

– Losing it in Louisville

Dear Losing It,

You have every right to feel like you’re “losing it” but it sounds to me like you’re actually holding it all together. In case no one else has told you: You’re a pretty exceptional mom, businesswoman, wife, grandmother, and overall human being. 

It’s exhausting to hold it all together, and you deserve some relief. There are plenty of fellow moms, wives, and grandmothers out there who know how hard it is to be the “default” parent or caregiver. Even though we want to be there for the ones we love, we all need support and a little space to just be. Here are some suggestions to help you create more balance with your family, get “off the clock,” and hand over chores to other capable hands: 

Set a (small) goal for change.

Turning a whole household around overnight is no small task, and I’d be willing to bet that you’ve tried before. So instead of trying to switch up responsibilities or set new expectations in one fell swoop, think about what small changes would make the most difference to you right now. Maybe the She-Shed is off-limits during work hours, or everyone has to give you 30 minutes of silence in the house to “commute” at the end of the day. Consider which chore you dread the most during the week, and who might be able to take it off your hands. Once you figure out which (relatively) small tweaks you want to make, talk to your husband about the changes so that he can support you.

Work as a team.

Now that you and your husband are on the same page about how you can start to enjoy some much-deserved downtime, you’ll need to work together to make that goal become reality. After all, everyone but your grandson is old enough to take their share of responsibility. Together, make some new family rules. Be sure to set up some consequences for breaking the rules. Perhaps anyone breaking the rules might have to take on an extra chore that week. The important thing is that you and your husband are on the same page because for this to work you need to be a united front.

Get out of the house (and the She-Shed).

It’s great that you can work from home, but I suspect that going back and forth between a busy house and a workplace that’s in your own backyard makes it hard to feel like you’re ever truly “off the clock.” Try planning a weekly time (even an hour is better than nothing!) to get out of the house on your own. Add it to your calendar, put a post-it on the fridge—do whatever you need to do to make sure it’s as much a part of your routine as your other responsibilities. You deserve the same time and care that you give to all the other people in your life. If you’re not sure what to do with this brand-new free time, you’re not alone! Even going for a drive and stopping when you feel curious is a good starting point. The important thing is that you get the time to explore your interests and feed your joy.

You’ve held this large (I count pets, too!) family together all of these years so that they could be supported and thrive and I know they want the same for you. Making changes to family routines and household dynamics isn’t always smooth, easy, or quick, Overworked, but it’s totally possible. Take it one 30-minute break at a time and I’m confident that you’ll find your way to the balance you’re looking for.

With love and admiration,

Grace