My best friend and I haven’t spoken since our fight. Is our friendship over?

Dear Grace,

My best friend and I haven’t been speaking for a few months. We got in a fight because she said I was putting dating and my boyfriend before her friendship. I want to be married and have kids, and she knows that. We yelled at each other, and she stormed out.

I just saw on Facebook that she went on a girls’ weekend with her other friends. Clearly I wasn’t invited. I’ve been crying about it. I don’t know why I can’t get over it. I know we’ve had our problems, but she is my best friend. Should I try to move on? Am I better without her?

– Reeling in Richmond

Dear Reeling,

Losing a best friend hurts in its own special way. It’s not the same as a breakup, but it can cut just as deep. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Many women carry the pain of a friend breakup for months, even years, so please know you’re not alone, and you’re not overreacting.

Here’s my advice for how to move forward:

Figure out what you actually want.

Before you decide anything, sit with your feelings for a bit. Ask yourself: does seeing her on Facebook sting because you’re missing out on a fun weekend, or because you miss her specifically? What does “best friend” mean to you, and does she still fit that role in your life? Grab a notebook and write down your answers. Don’t rush this step. You need to know what you want before you can go after it.

Be honest with yourself about the fight.

If you decide you miss her and want to fix things, you need to ask yourself a hard question first: is she right? Maybe you have put dating and your boyfriend ahead of her at times. That would hurt anyone’s feelings. Are you ready to own that and say sorry for it? Are you willing to change how you make time for her going forward? The best friends are the ones who give us tough love to help us learn and grow. Is there anything you can learn from what she said to you? Real change starts with an honest look in the mirror.

Reach out, and be ready to listen as much as you talk.

When you’re ready, call her or ask to meet in person. Lead with love. Tell her you miss her and want to talk things through. If she says yes, go in ready to say sorry for your part, and ready to hear her side without getting defensive. Let her tell you how she felt hurt. Ask her what kind of friendship she wants moving forward and really listen to her answer. Then share what you want. You both need to feel heard for this actually to heal, not just get swept under the rug.

Whether you end up best friends again or just friendly acquaintances, I think this conversation is worth having. You two share real love and years of history, and that’s worth more than one fight, Reeling. Give it a real shot.

Love,

Grace